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Wednesday, October 31, 2001
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So....it's about that time of day when I start to feel kinda woozy because I'm tired. Ugh. I really wish I was having better luck with this whole sleeping thing, but apparently, I'm not meant to get a full night's sleep. Ever. I was so, so tired - was I able to drop into a death-like slumber? Nope - I tossed and turned until about midnight, then actually managed to sleep for 5 whole hours without waking up - a recent record, I think, esp. compared to Monday night. There's a reason I go to bed at 10, even though I don't want to - it's because I want to be alert in the morning. Ha! The only thing that provides any feeling of alertness if my big mug of coffee, cream and sugar. And then after lunch....it's all down hill.
So, when I sent emails at work, I always copy them to myself, just because I like to have a record of what I've sent to people. I sent an email to Vinny about 2 hours ago, and JUST got the copy I sent to myself. How much sense does that make? The email didn't even have to go to a different server or anything - it was just going right back to where it came from. It's very odd, I think.
Right now, I think I'm going to take a nap. Not really appropriate behavior for work, but really, I don't care. I'm too tired to care. I'm too tired every day to care. How many days until this is over with (at least the 1st part of it)? Let's see....all of November and December, plus the first 11 days of January = 72 days. 10 more weeks plus 2 days. Not so bad, I guess, considering one of those weeks will be spent in IL with the fam and I get 2 4-day breaks. Plus I'll be gone again this weekend. When am I not gone on a weekend, though?
- Lizzardie, at 2:13 PM
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HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!
Okay, that probably looks really bad against my pink background, but, um, I don't care. =) There's a full moon tonight (BLUE MOON actually), too, which I suppose makes it even creepier. (I would put some creepy music here if I had any.) According to the radio, there won't be another full moon on Halloween until 2020. That's along time from now. I'll be 39. YIKES! Despite all that, I'm not feeling very Halloween-y, which is ironic since I got all dressed up and all this past weekend. I was going to grab my cat ears this morning and wear them around the office, but I forgot, since I never remember to do anything I want to in the morning. Oh well. There's always next year, when I can wear them to class, if I'm up for it.
What I did like today was the smell in the air as I was going out to my car. It smelled like fall - burning leaves or burning woodchips or something burning. It's such a great smell. The temperature was good, too - nice and crisp. I've decided I like fall weather, as long as I don't have to walk to class in it at 9:00 am. It's much more enjoyable when all I'm doing is walking to my car. I'm not really an outdoors person, I suppose. It would be a lot of fun to sit around a fire at this time of year, though - it's cold enough that you want to be close to the fire, but warm enough that whatever part of you isn't facing the fire isn't freezing. Anyone want to set up a camp fire for me? I suppose that would be a difficult task, since no one in Connecticut reads this (because I don't actually know anyone in Connecticut) but hey, an offer for the future wouldn't be refused.
I feel so mundane writing all of this. What do you want though? It's Wednesday morning and I'm tired. Only 2 more days until Friday, when I get to spend quality time with my car again. This whole driving by myself thing is getting pretty old now. I can only do so much thinking, because there are only so many things that I can think about. I definitely don't have 14 hours worth of things to think about for this weekend, so perhaps I'll just spend the time singing along with my CDs.
Ugh, I should start working now. I have about 50 graphs to update with new data that will tell us absolutely nothing new. Yippee. How exciting.
- Lizzardie, at 9:04 AM
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Tuesday, October 30, 2001
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It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown is on, so I'm in a good mood. =) (Although I really want to watch the basketball game between the New York Thugs I mean KNICKS and the Michael Jordan I mean WASHINGTON Wizards.) Anyway, I thought I would give a happy post right now. I got pictures developed today, so that was good. I swear, I'm so bad at remembering to take pictures so they're from sporadic events from, oh, the last 6 months, but that's okay. Slope Day, Induction, Graduation, NYC, Halloween - all there. I hope I get access to a scanner soon, because then I can put said pictures up on my site. Yay. I'm even redesigning my pictures pages in anticipation of said pictures - aren't you all excited? I know I am.
In other news, despite the fact that I got very little sleep last night and work was boring as usual, I had a fairly good day. This might because a problem is finally in the stages of being solved. Granted, I went about getting it solved in the wrong way, but unfortunately I cannot go back and change that. And even though I'm breaking a cardinal girl rule (I won't get into which one) I feel that letting go of hard feelings is a good thing to do. It seems that when I'm angry at someone, only part of that anger is justified - the rest is misdirected. It takes way too much energy to stay mad and it's usually on principal, not that I actually am. I only hope that I'm not too late, but I'm hoping that it's never too late for something like this. Either way, it seems I still have quite a bit of growing up to do. *gasp* - has Liz actually learned to be less stubborn? Stayed to tuned to find out....
- Lizzardie, at 8:25 PM
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I made a post here yesterday that's now gone. I'm going to put the first part of it back up here, don't worry about that. The second part will not be put back up, though. It never should have been up here in the first place. I was angry and upset at the time I wrote it, but I realize now that this is not the place to voice my anger at other people. I knew that before, I guess - I just momentarily forgot. So...if you read this yesterday and are now wondering why it's different...that's why. Here's the first part of the original post:
It's time once again for everyone's favorite part of the week....what Liz did over the weekend (applause). Well, well, well, where do I start? I was in Ithaca, once again. I stayed with Vinny, which was really, really great. =3D) Vinny's a great hostess and an amazing friend...it was really good to get her perspective on things this weekend. Friday night we just hung out and talked and watched TV. Then on Saturday, we did some malling for Halloween costume stuff, went to IthacAID (which was fabulous!) and then on the the Halloween party. Vinny was a flapper/movie star and I was Jessica Rabbit. There will be pictures up soon enough, don't worry! The party was fun, though there were parts that were not so great. I made it through, though. I also visited with Jaclyn and had dinner with Amy on Saturday. Poor Amy got into a car accident - *sigh* - it's just not a good time to have a car, it seems. On Sunday, I slept late (yay for Daylight Savings Time!) and then it was on to the PSP meeting and coffee with Amy. I then had to drive back to CT, which is always a sad time for me. BUT, I'll see all of my friends again next weekend, on my way to and from Buffalo to visit my aunt and my mom. It's sad to think, though, that my last full weekend visit to Ithaca is over. Sure, I'll be there a couple more times, but not for a full weekend. Next weekend, I'll pop in before and after Buffalo and the weekend after that, I'll be in town briefly before and after going to St. Louis for the PSP Convention. Then, I probably won't be back. The semester will be winding down and I don't want people to feel obligated to spend time with me, instead of doing their work. It's cool, though - just a couple more months until I'm back in full swing for the Spring semester! Yay!
- Lizzardie, at 9:55 AM
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Friday, October 26, 2001
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I'd like to close my eyes and go numb
But there's a cold wind coming from
The top of the highest high rise today
Its not a breeze cuz it blows hard
Yes and it wants me to discard the
The humanity I know, watched the warmth blow away
So don't let the world bring you down
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold
Remember why you came and while you're alive
Experience the warmth before you grow old
So do you think I should adhere
To that pressing new frontier
And leave in my wake, a trail of fear
Should I hold my head up high
And throw a wrench and spokes by
I'm leaving the air behind me clear
So don't let the world bring you down
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold
Remember why you came and while you're alive
Experience the warmth before you grow old
So don't let the world bring you down
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold
Remember why you came and while you're alive
Experience the warmth before you grow old
Before you grow old
Incubus, "The Warmth"
Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I cant help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before, it seems to have a vague
Haunting mass appeal
Lately I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there
So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive, oh oh
It's driven me before, it seems to be the way
That everyone else get around
Lately, I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself, my light is found
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there
Would you choose water over wine
Hold the wheel and drive
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there
Incubus, "Drive"
(Both from Make Yourself)
I swear, this CD is so, so good! Get it, listen to it! Yay for Incubus!
- Lizzardie, at 3:39 PM
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MUST SIT STILL. NEED TO SIT STILL. RESISTING THE URGE TO GET OUT OF MY CHAIR AND PACE AROUND THE OFFICE. I swear, someone should tie me down or something - why am I so fidgity????
- Lizzardie, at 11:22 AM
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I brought this upon myself, so it shouldn't hurt so much, right? I'm not asking for much, though: the truth, or at least a good explanation. I don't deserve this kind of treatment. Right now, the blood running through my veins is a rainbow of colors: the deep purple of anger, bright green with jealousy, icy blue in hatred. A few words - again, the truth - is all it would take to change it back to the bright red of life.
- Lizzardie, at 8:22 AM
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Thursday, October 25, 2001
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When I was younger, I was always told not to expect to have a bad time. There were many, many times when I would have to do something or go somewhere basically against my will, and I was told that if I expected to have a bad time, then I probably would. BUT, if I went in with an optimistic outlook, I might just enjoy myself. I'm incredibly stubborn, so of course most of the time I would still go in expected to have a bad time. That way, maybe when I got my wish, people would stop making me do things I didn't want to do. It never worked of course - the consequences of being the oldest in a big family is that you never get to do the things you want to do - you're always going along with someone else's ideas and you're expected be good and not fuss about it. It's just the way things were.
As I've gotten older, I've started to try and be more optimistic about things I don't want to do. I've found that, for one, I don't like having a miserable time. Trying to have fun doing something you don't want to do is better than having a miserable time doing something you don't want to do, no matter what. I've also realized that a lot of the time, when I'm dreading some event or another, it's because of my own insecurities and inhibitions. When it finally comes time for said event, it's never as awful as I've anticipated it to be, so why worry, right? It's certainly made my life a little easier to be able to go out and have fun, even if what I'm doing isn't my normal idea of fun.
So that's all well and good, right? Well, lately, I've started to wonder about my attitude towards Connecticut and this whole co-op thing. I mean, I actually went into this originally with an optimistic attitude - I was going to have a great time and learn a lot and be a better person for it. But then I realized how much I was going to miss my friends - I've made some great friends and I feel like I left in my prime, so to speak. The first few days in CT were awful - I made myself not call my friends and I think the only thing that got me through those 4 days was knowing I was going back to Ithaca that weekend. Once I got back to CT again, though, things just never looked up. I didn't know anyone, I didn't know my way around, I didn't like my job. And because it was so bad to begin with, I just didn't try to make it better. And little has changed, because I haven't done anything to change my circumstances. I keep my sanity by going to Ithaca way too much and by calculating just how long it is until I get to return for good in January. I spent 2 weekends alone in CT, and ever since then, I've spent time every weekend with friends from Cornell. And that's the way I like it. But it doesn't make Connecticut good at all.
And the saddest part is that even though I still have 2 1/2 months here and I've realized where I'm going wrong with time to change it, I probably won't do anything about it. What's the point? The next couple of weekends will be spent traveling. Then it will be Thanksgiving (though I have no plans for that - ohh, the irony). Then I'll be anticipating Christmas and going home. And then I'll be packing up and going back to Ithaca. So what's the point? That will get me through this, right? Well, yeah, it will - but it's pretty sad that this is how I'm living my life. I'm making the best of my surroundings, sure, but making the best has meant leaving as much as possible. While I don't mind the endless driving, it's no way to live.
- Lizzardie, at 2:38 PM
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Tuesday, October 23, 2001
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I finished what I wanted to accomplish today with half an hour to spare, so let me tell you about my good news: after being disappointed last week when I found out that I didn't have a parking spot for next semester, I was able to find one today! Yay! It'll be at the corner of Buffalo and Quarry, which really isn't far from my apartment (on Dryden - CT Plaza) and I'll be able to get a 5 month contract for $75/month. Definitely a great deal, esp. for Collegetown. Now if only I could solve all of my other problems this easily....
- Lizzardie, at 5:08 PM
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It's a jolt to realize someone's read this, I've decided. You wouldn't think so, given this is a public blog, right? I mean, you can access it from my home page, and the address to my home page is very, very public (in my emails, in my IM profile, in the Cornell directory, etc...). BUT, since I monitor this page (and every other page of mine) for hits (I'm a computer geek, what can I say?), I know that this doesn't get hit that often. So when a new person hits it, I freak out. I shouldn't, I know. The problem is that when this goes a long time without being hit, I become careless about what I write. I literally write whatever I'm thinking, which can be good or not so good. Now, at all times I'm aware that anyone can read this at anytime, but sometimes that matters very little.
Each time I find out about a new hit, I have to stop and think about what I've been writing and what someone might think of it. I hope and pray that people don't put too much stock in some of the things that I say - I have a feeling that it would very easy to misunderstand me by just basing details of my life on what is written here. Sure, sometimes all I say is what I've been up to - just to keep anyone who reads this up-to-date on my whereabouts. Other times, I vent. But sometimes, I write because I need to get thoughts out of my head. Believe me, those thoughts are confusing enough to me - I can only imagine what my faithful readers must think. I do it because sometimes putting things in words, right in front of my face, is enough for me to find some answers. Other times it's not, but it's still a temporary relief from whatever is bothering me at a specific instance of time. I know that at times I'm vague and/or non-specific. That's because this is not the place for anyone close to me to find out that I'm mad/upset at him/her, or confused by him/her...you get the idea....the details on those kinds of issues should not be made public knowledge - it's just not fair to those I care about. But that doesn't mean that I won't try and sort out the emotional fallout from those issues here.
This might not make any sense, either - I really don't know (it makes sense to me, but that's because I wrote it). I just hope that no one jumps to any conclusions from reading anything I've posted here. It's hard, I know - I jump to conclusions all the time (see the post below this). And I hope I haven't upset or worried anyone with anything I've written here. In general, despite the boredom, I'm doing okay - it's just that, like any normal human being, I have issues that I'm trying to deal with. Sometimes I'm more upset than othet times. I'm going to be okay, though - I know that, because that's always the case. Everything works out for the best....I should go back to repeating that to myself. Everything works out for the best. Everything works out for the best.
- Lizzardie, at 2:04 PM
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Monday, October 22, 2001
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It's hard not to jump to conclusions. The fact remains that I have no proof for any of the conclusions I jump to, mainly because there's so much emotion involved in them. I wish I knew the truth, so that my mind (and emotions) would be forced to stop playing tricks on me. Truth is good, but unfortunately it's very, very hard to come by.
- Lizzardie, at 2:29 PM
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Ahhh, Monday. Only a few more days until Friday. That's a really sad comment, I think. But we all know how much I hate my job (and how much I hate Mondays - we all do).
So, the weekend. I of course have lots to say about the weekend, because of course I spent it traveling! When do I not spend my weekend traveling these day? I have to admit - the fact that I have no commitments (other than showing up to work Monday through Friday and paying my bills) is nice - no one else I know is able to travel around as much as I do. Only I go to pretty much the same place every time....
So I really thought the weekend was going to suck. Friday morning, things were not shaping up too well. I had talked to Amy the night before and she said things were going too crazy for me to crash at her place Friday night, which meant I was driving straight through to Buffalo (couldn't get a hold of anyone else to ask them to let me stay at their place, either). I had also found out Thursday night that my bumper was on national backorder (I hate that word) so it wasn't looking like I'd get my car back any time soon. And let's not forget that I wasn't exactly going to Buffalo for a pleasure visit. But then things started looking up for me! Yay! First, I placed a call to the place where my car was at, and they said I could pick it up between 5:00pm and 5:30pm that day!!! I was so, so excited to get my car back (it's BEAUTIFUL, too!). When I found that out, I knew there was no way that I could drive straight through to Buffalo (too tired, too long), so I asked Jaclyn if I could stay with her. That was cool - I got to talk with her, Betsy, Kristin and Crystal while I was over at the Alpha Phi house. I then went to Buffalo Saturday morning (only a 2 1/2 drive - nice) where I got to see Auntie Chris, Uncle Nick and Tricia. My aunt is doing well - the surgery went great and she's out of the hospital. She goes to the doctor on Wednesday to see when she'll start chemo and such. She's been looking at hats and wigs already. We went out for Greek food for lunch and it was quite yummy (mmmm, baklava...). I burned lots of CDs. It was nice, too, in that for the first time in several months, my aunt didn't have any bad news to give me about her health. It's of course a possibility that there will be more in the future, but I'm happy with no more right now. The only bad part about the Buffalo trip was the fallout of my grandmother having left right after the surgery, but what can you do. On Sunday, I drove back to Ithaca to surprise everyone (Vinny was the only one who knew I was coming). Amy was quite happy with the help at her Survey stuffing party. Plus, she had food. I also went to the PSP meeting, which was a riot as usual. I walked in and Bolcar told me to go back to Connecticut where I belong. Nice greeting, don't you think? I then got to walk down to West Campus and back with Dave to pick up rush stuff (in very, very uncomfortable shoes - what was I thinking?). And my favorite part: my cartoon nickname, courtesy of Liz Hartman, is Jessica Rabbit. It makes me wonder what kind of impression I've been giving these people. After more envelope stuffing, it was back to Connecticut for me.
I've decided that these weekend keep me sane. It's really nice to be able to see my friends, since I don't have any here and it's been pretty much impossible to meet people (oh, okay, I haven't tried very hard, but still). I would much rather be with my friends than sitting around doing nothing in Connecticut. Now that I have my car back with its excellent gas mileage, it makes the most sense. I spend about 26 dollars to go to Ithaca for the weekend (not including food, but I have to eat no matter where I go). If I was to stay in CT, I would probably end up going shopping (as that's what I've done the whole 2 weekends I've been here and not been with friends). I spend way more than $26 when I go shopping! So, the way I see it, I'm saving money and getting to socialize at the same time. This weekend was especially great - seeing my friends enabled me to end the weekend on a positive note. As much as I love my family, I was only there because my aunt is sick and she needs to see her family. I probably wouldn't take the time to go to Buffalo otherwise - it's just too far for a weekend visit. So, thank you to my friends for continuing to be glad to see me, even though I'm there so often. For the most part, you all act as if I've been gone forever each time. I love you all.
- Lizzardie, at 10:04 AM
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Friday, October 19, 2001
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we’re the same and you don’t even know it
we’re afraid and we try not to show it
and you’re tired and i am too
so there’s only one thing you can do
you’ve got to hold me and
tell me what you need don’t be afraid
of what you’ re feeling when you know me
then i’ll never want to leave
you just hold on to me
when we’re apart i still feel together
i still believe in a thing called forever
but we’re drifting apart it’s true
and it’s breaking my heart in two
we’ll drive away where no one can find us
it’s time to leave those dark days behind us
in my dreams it’s always you
so there’s only one thing we can do
nina gordon, "hold on to me"
- Lizzardie, at 11:16 AM
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Okay, I need to put an end to the moodswings. It's really got to stop, because I'm going crazy. One minute, I'm incredibly depressed, convinced my life has fallen apart and that I'll never be able to put the pieces back together; the next, I feel like it will all be okay because I have been blessed with so many things that I am thankful for and I have the future to look forward to. At this moment, I'm hovering at the bottom of this vicious cycle.
What worries me the most is that I've been here before. I've seen all of this before and if things continue as they are, it's only going to get worse. I feel like I'm destined to repeat my mistakes, only because everything is set up exactly the way it was before. You see, the similarities between my junior year of high school and my junior year of college are strikingly remarkable. Each starts out after the best summer of my life to date (that summer was then, this summer is now). Each starts with my closest friend(s) in a different place then me (then: my best friend switched schools; now: I'm in Connecticut, away from my school). In both cases, I've had to deal with a relative sick and surgery (then: my grandfather had open heart surgery; now: my aunt just underwent surgery as a result of breast cancer). Heartache has been in my life in both situations and progressed in about the same way (I don't want to explain that right now). And in both cases, there is/was a friend that I was growing apart from, both because of differences in lifestyles and personalities and because I don't have the courage to say what needs to be said (I'm also not going to go into this).
Now, you may all be going, is Liz on crack? Well, no, I'm not. Normally this wouldn't bother me so much, but let me explain what happened 4 years ago so that you understand why I'm so worried. You see, back then, I somehow got it into my head that I shouldn't talk about my problems with my friends because they all seemed so happy - I didn't want to bring them down, I didn't think that anyone would understand. I was also hoping that they would look at me and say, hey, I think there's something wrong with Liz. The only thing was that at the same time, I was doing everything I possibly could to hide it. The internal struggle became so bad that by the end of December/beginning of January, I was really really sad and depressed. I used to sit in my room with the lights off, candles going, writing poetry. And you all should know that I only write poetry in very extreme situations. Usually I'm not creative enough. It was really, really a bad time in my life, and I really don't want to go back there.
Yet I'm doing some of the same things. I'm away from all my friends, so I don't want to burden them by calling or IMing all the time - they are busy people. I'm keeping to myself a lot, in my free time. And there's so much on my mind, so many things that I want to get out in the open, yet I put on a happy face every time I go to Ithaca, trying to have as good of a time as possible, yet hoping that someone, anyone, will realize that something just isn't quite right.
I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, or who to say it to. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster, headed straight for a brick wall. Things cannot continue this way, but I'm not sure which direction I should take. I knew I was getting myself into trouble with this - why did I let it happen? Why did I bring myself back to this horrible, horrible place? When and how do I get to leave?
- Lizzardie, at 8:53 AM
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Thursday, October 18, 2001
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"Problems that go away by themselves come back by themselves." -- Marcy E. Davis
- Lizzardie, at 2:31 PM
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My newest project at work: learn SAS (statitistical programming language, for those of you who don't know). This is pretty cool, because I want to learn it anyways. It's like I'm back to taking classes, only I don't have to go to class and there are no tests. For the next couple of weeks, that's all I have to do. No pressure, no nothing. I kind of like that setup. Plus, I can go back to my old study methods: read a couple pages, check my email, check away messages, read a page, check my email, IM someone, get up and wonder around, read a couple pages, etc.... I love it - it's great! See, look at my new attitude about my job. I hope you guys are all happy for me.
It's freezing in here, though. Why is it that I have no circulation in my body? I am always cold, I swear. I'm wearing my warmest sweater, too (purple, turtleneck, wool). It's just not right that I should be this cold all the time. It's got to be at least 60 degrees in here (probably more), which means I should not be cold. Argh!!! I think when people call me Lizard, they must at least be serious about the whole cold-blooded amphibian thing - get me some sun, now, quick!!!!
My email is disturbing me right now. Whatever the problem is, I hope it gets resolved, because what I'm reading is kind of scary to me. I'm not there to know what's going on, so I just hope that whatever it is, it's not as bad as it sounds in these emails.
I haven't gotten my car back yet, which is aggravating me beyond belief. I was supposed to have to back Monday - it is now Thursday and I haven't gotten another call. How can you order the wrong bumper??? Get the right one, dammit, and get my car back to me!!!!
Okay, that's all I have to say right now. I'm going back to learning SAS and contemplating the idea of taking a nap because I'm so very tired.
- Lizzardie, at 1:23 PM
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Wednesday, October 17, 2001
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I will not make the same mistakes twice.
- Lizzardie, at 12:43 PM
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I had a realization this morning. Actually, it's slowly been coming to me over the past couple of days. I've been selfish. So selfish, in fact, that it's hard to believe that some of you have put up with me, because I really don't deserve it. All I do is bitch and moan about how bored I am. I have yet to try and do anything about my boredom. If I'm bored than that's no one's fault but my own, and I'm the only one who can fix it. Also, I've been expecting too much of other people. I've basically been screaming for people to pay attention to me, and getting more and more depressed when they don't. But why should I expect that of people? Every single one of my friends is busy. I know this, because most of my friends are at Cornell and I know what it's like to be there. You barely have time for your friends there when you're there. Isn't that what happened to me last semester? How can I expect people to pay attention to me when all I'm going to do is complain about the same things over and over again? I think it's just that I want to feel like you're all there for me and that I've wanted constant reminders. I don't need that. I know you all care about me and will help me through something big. And you've all made time for me when I've come to visit. I'm sorry I've been so careless with the rest of your feelings. Sometimes I get so caught up in my own little world that I forget that what I want is not the only things that matter. You all have hopes and fears and dreams and goals and I've been ignoring that. Why did any of you let me get away with that? I know better, I really do, but sometimes things happen that make me forget that. I'm sorry. I have about 3 more months here and if I'm not going to get to know anyone else better, I might as well make the best of it and get to know myself better. So, to my friends: I love you and I miss you, and I know you feel the same way about me. I understand that you don't have a lot of time to spare but that you make available time for me the best that you can. I cannot and will not expect more, nor should you try to give me more. I hope you all will forgive me for getting so caught up in my little world that I forgot that you're all there, too, whether I have constant reminders or not.
- Lizzardie, at 11:07 AM
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Tuesday, October 16, 2001
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So...let's talk more about Liz's work. There was an Anthrax scare at some Pitney Bowes location yesterday. Luckily they didn't find anything, but imagine how freaked out I was when I heard it on the radio on the way to work this morning. I don't know what location it was in (didn't say) but I imagine somewhere in Fairfield County, CT (where I am) or near Danbury, since the station is out of Danbury. That doesn't really narrow things down, though. And nothing was said at work. To top it all off, I was riding up the elevator this morning with the mail carrier. How freaky is that? I tried holding my breath, but it really didn't work. I've never been able to hold my breath for very long.
And on to the issue of my boredom....my supervisor came by at the end of the day yesterday and was like, So, I hear you're ready for some more challenging things. I was like, um, yeah. He said he'll come by with some stuff within the next couple of days, but I have yet to see him today. I finished Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone this morning. No more Harry Potter, since I've now reread all 4 books. =( I suppose I could reread them again, but what would that accomplish? It would be pointless, and it would show just how bored I am. Janet, the secretary of my department came into my office today and was like, Are you working? She sees that I'm not and is like, Ohh, good - can I use your computer? So I let her use my computer and she's complaining about how she doesn't have anything to do and says, I can do nothing at home. We look at each other and start laughing, because she knows I'm not doing anything ever. At least I'm not the only one. Maybe things are just slow around the company, I don't know.
I started reading physics today. How sad is that? But I figure, I'm doing nothing now and am likely to be completely swamped next semester. I already have the books and I found two course websites for the physics class I'm taking (Phys 213) so what the hell? It's seriously better than doing nothing, which is really, really sad. Sarah volunteered to bring in her chemistry book for me, since I have to take that class next semester as well (Chem 211). You know you've hit a low point when you're doing physics and chemistry for no reason except that you're bored (no offense to my physics and chemistry major friends who actually like doing that kind of work - it's just not my thing).
- Lizzardie, at 3:49 PM
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World was on fire and no one could save me but you
Strange what desire will make foolish people do
I'd never dream that I'd meet somebody like you
And I'd never dream that I'd loose somebody like you
No I don't want to fall in love
(This boy is only gonna break your heart)
No I don't want to fall in love
(This boy is only gonna break your heart)
With you... with you
(This boy is only gonna break your heart)
What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you
What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way
What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you
No I don't want to fall in love
(This boy is only gonna break your heart)
No I don't want to fall in love
(This boy is only gonna break your heart)
With you
World was on fire and no one could save me but you
Strange what desire will make foolish people do
I'd never dream that I'd love somebody like you
And I'd never dream that I'd loose somebody like you
No I don't want to fall in love
(This boy is only gonna break your heart)
No I don't want to fall in love
(This boy is only gonna break your heart)
With you
(This boy is only gonna break your heart)
With you
(This boy is only gonna break your heart)
No I...
(This boy is only gonna break your heart)
(This boy is only gonna break your heart)
Nobody loves no one
Chris Isaac, "Wicked Game" (slightly altered, but not really)
- Lizzardie, at 9:45 AM
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Monday, October 15, 2001
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It's Monday again. I know, I know - I'm stating the obvious. Mondays are so hard. I have all week to look forward to, well, boredom. I finished Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (the third book, for you non-fans) today. Now I just have the first book, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone left to go. I don't know what I'm going to do after that.
I had a very good weekend in Ithaca. I stayed with Vinny - she was a very gracious and wonderful hostess. I got in on Friday, and we went to J's Express to get some food (only the second time I've ever been in Noyes - can you believe it?). Then we watched Superstar. I'm not a big Mary Catherine Gallagher fan, but it was okay. On Saturday, we got up early and went to do service for PSP at the State Street Theatre. It involved cleaning up an alley and moving very heavy garbage out of the basement. Herb, Bolcar and Ryan got to destroy things - they were happy. We then all went to eat on the Commons and discussed favorite childhood cartoons. After a shower and a brief nap, Vinny and I went to the mall - I bought a purse and Vinny bought her brother a birthday present. I went out to dinner with Jaclyn, her friends from home, Betsy, Amy and a few others. We went to Benchwarmers, where the food was decent enough, but an hour and a half is way too long to wait for burgers and fries. I hate squabbling over how much tip to leave and who should pay what. I hate it, because when you go with such a large group of people, you end up either paying way too much tip or not leaving enough tip. I would much, much rather leave too much tip, because it's not fair for the waitress to get undertipped on a large group. Plus, there's no reason to end the evening by squabbling over money, especially when it's only a dollar per person that you're squabbling over. Enough bickering. I then went over to Herb's and played Risk with him, Bolcar and Bolcar's roommates. I came in second (Herb won) so that's cool - though winning would have been better! =) Sunday involved brunch with Amy at Ruloff's and then the PSP meeting. I did have a great time, though - I always have a great time! =) Ohh, and for those who know what I'm talking about, things were much less awkward for me, which is good. I should stop going up there so much, because it's so hard to leave. At least I know that January is getting much, much closer. On my way to Buffalo next weekend, I may stop into Ithaca, but not long enough to see many people.
I got a visit from the co-op office today. I felt bad, but I expressed my concerns about my boredom. Mark, the guy I talked to, said he'd try and portray that to my supervisor without being too obvious. We'll see how it goes. He says, like everyone else, that I should go and talk to Cary, my supervisor. *sigh* I guess I should.
I added a comment function to this thing, by the way. This way, if you have anything to say to me regarding what I write, you can say it. I know I don't really say much of interest, other than my comings and goings, but occassionally I do ask for advice here, so if you have any, this makes it easier than emailing me or IMing me. Hopefully it will get used. If not, it's not like it was all that difficut to add.
- Lizzardie, at 3:01 PM
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Thursday, October 11, 2001
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I cannot for the life of me figure out why I'm having these horrible, horrible mood swings. If someone could explain it to me, I would be very, very grateful....
- Lizzardie, at 11:56 AM
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Wednesday, October 10, 2001
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So, how many people actually complain about sitting and doing no work, yet getting paid a large sum of money (large for a girl who hasn't graduated college yet and has very little job experience, at least) for it? I can't be the only one (besides Sarah) who does that, right? *sigh* It is so, so boring here. I have now read three books, all completely while at work. First, I read The Cider House Rules. Twisted, very twisted, but okay, I guess. The beginning was dull, but I got into it later on. Since then, I've read Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets and Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, both of which are excellent but I've read already. I'm anticipating rereading the other Harry Potter books now. And that won't take long, once I get a hold of them. It's sickening, I tell you. Can someone recommend some good, new reading material? Because I've got three months to go here and I really need something to do. I slept for about an hour today, too. I lean my chair back, prop my feet on another chair or on my desk, and doze. It's not really a good, satisfying sleep, though, because I'm afraid I'll get caught. Oh well. Someone from the co-op office is visiting me on Monday - he'll be getting an earful, that's for sure. Perhaps my situation will improve after that.
I went back and read all of my old posts yesterday. It's amazing - I thought I was bored over the summer - sheesh! That turned out to be the best time of my life. At least during those boring times I could at least go out and walk around Collegetown - now I'm stuck in this stupid building. AND, I had absolutely nothing to worry about. Nothing. Everything, for once, was going right in my life. Now, I've got a million things to worry about - all which I have every reason to worry about (unlike other times, when I've worried about things that weren't really important). So, I'm bored and alone, with nothing but my thoughts. How much does that suck? It's been awhile since I've asked this, but I think I have to again - does anyone want to trade lives with me???
- Lizzardie, at 5:12 PM
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Monday, October 08, 2001
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Ahhh, Monday. Things have calmed down here, so now I'm letting you all in on the new and exciting adventures of my life. I actually did some work this morning, but when you get in at 7:30am, the day kinda drags a little (should have left later, since I knew traffic would be lighter because of the holiday - I just didn't anticipate NO traffic). Oh well - I get to start making up the time for the days that I need to take off. Yippee.
So...I went to NYC for the first time ever this weekend. I met Mike and Melissa there on both Saturday and Sunday and did LOTS of walking. On Saturday, I saw Central Park, The Met, FAO Schwartz, this restaurant called the Jekyll and Hyde Club. Also got a look at the Guggenheim, the New York Public Library, got to ride in a NYC cab, and of course Grand Central Station. On Sunday, we went to the top of the Empire State Building (Sears Tower is better - had to get that out there), saw Chinatown and Little Italy, ate at a McDonald's in Penn Station (Sarah told me today that there's a Krispy Kreme stand there - I'm so upset I missed that!), and got to ride the Subway. I took lots of pictures. It was pretty cool to finally get a taste of NYC and the weather was great for walking around a city - nice and crisp. I may perhaps have to go there by myself one weekend before it gets too cold, now that I'm not as freaked out about it. I can also cross it off my list of "Things I Really Should Have Done By Now and Must Do Before Graduation." Items still on the list (that I can think of off hand) are Visit Boston and Learn to Ski.
I've decided to start being a bit more optimistic, because I really hate being depressed - it just makes me even more depressed, and I hate getting into that kind of vicious cycle. Besides, I have way too many things I have to worry about - there's no need to add to the list. Anyone remember how happy I was over the summer? I want to get back to that point. So, here's Liz's list of Things To Be Happy About:
- I get my car back next week.
- Visiting my friends is twice as much fun because I don't get to on a daily basis anymore.
- I've spent the past 3 weekends with Cornell people and will do the same this coming weekend.
- When I do go out and have fun, I don't have a little voice inside my head either telling me that I should be doing work or reminding me how much work I have to do.
- Only a little over 3 months until I'm back in Ithaca for good!
- Almost everyone I know (though I stress ALMOST) is healthy and well.
So, how did I do? I hope you're all going, wow, Liz is so lucky that she has so many things to be thankful about (and it's not even Thanksgiving!).
Okay, now I do have to talk about some not so good things, just because I've found that keeping these things inside is much more painful than having everyone know, so here goes. As some of you know, my aunt Chris (who has been there for me my entire life) has breast cancer. Not good. The news keeps getting worse and worse, too, which is not good either, considering about 2 months ago, no one had any idea about any of this. She goes in for surgery on the 16th, and that following weekend I'm going to drive to Buffalo so that I can be with her, and my grandmother, uncle and cousin will be there too, so it will be a good family reunion. Now, I'm very worried about her, but I've been worrying about her for the past two months. Apparently she has a not-so-common form (invasive lovular or something like that), too, which is not good news. After the surgery and chemo, though, she's going in for some genetic testing to see if these genes are disformed in her (BRCA 1 and BRCA 2, something like that). If they are, it highly increases the likelihood of my grandmother, mother and aunt and uncles having deformed genes as well. And if that's the case, that means that the likelihood of them being deformed in me would be increased as well. This would mean that my body would not be as able to fight off breast cancer and ovarian cancer as a "normal" person (I put that in quotes because I suppose that it doesn't necessarily make me abnormal). And since the list of people who have had cancer in my family keeps getting longer (I'm just finding out about it, not more people are getting diagnosed) - my aunt (breast cancer), my grandfather (lung cancer), my great-grandmother (ovarian cancer), two great-aunts (ovarian cancer and I'm not sure what the other was) - it's pretty scary. My aunt just started her fight, but none of the others survived theirs. My aunt asked me if I want to know the results of the test, as I apparently have a choice. I told her that I do. My theory on this is that my aunt will know and my cousin will know and other people will as well, for their health, but for mine as well. I couldn't bear the possibility of other people knowing that I'm vulnerable to something with me completely unaware (you should all know that I absolutely hate being out of the loop). But can you imagine? At 20 (possibly 21, I don't know when these tests will be done) I'll be getting some inkling of whether I'm genetically prone to these horrible cancers. I hope you'll all be there to help me feel less paranoid.
- Lizzardie, at 12:36 PM
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Wednesday, October 03, 2001
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Two more weeks until my poor car is returned to me. =( The world is so unfair sometimes.
- Lizzardie, at 11:36 AM
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Monday, October 01, 2001
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So...it's back to work on this dreary Monday in Connecticut after a beautiful weekend in Ithaca (or maybe I'm just biased). I did have a good time, though. I got to hang out with PSP people and with Amy and Jaclyn. I had a great time doing Into the Streets, despite the fact that my shoulders are now a bit sore (but at least I didn't get stung by a bee!). And, the weather did hold up fairly nicely. I can't wait to go back in two weeks!!! Yay!!! This is sad, I think I'm going to end up in this habit of going to Ithaca every other week, wearing out my welcome on people's couches. But hey, I know everyone is glad to see me so they don't mind, right? =)
- Lizzardie, at 2:00 PM
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