|
Tuesday, September 30, 2003
|
Wheee! In the computer lab for more analysis! I will be so glad when this case study class is over (i.e., tomorrow) but until then there's a lot to do, considering I also have two prelims tomorrow and a problem set, which a take-home prelim being handed out tomorrow as well. What fun.
In other news, I skipped two classes yesterday morning, which brings my skipped classes total for the semester up to 2. Yeah, I've been way too good recently and things have to change. :-)
Weekend was.... blah. I didn't do much of anything, except work on my presentation that went horribly yesterday (though we expected to get torn to shreds). I went to the rush party for a little while, which was over at Ryan's. I am entirely not comfortable going over there, given that he lives with Crystal and I was hoping to never see her again. Ahh well. I was praying that she wouldn't be there, but as I walked up to the door I heard her voice. I considered going back home, but I sucked it up and went inside anyways, proceeding to not make eye contact or purposely go into a room where she was (other than the living room) as much as I could. Yes, I am childish. And even though I was enjoying talking to the people who I did talk to, there was this underlying tension that made me feel uncomfortable there. I asked Demetri to go and get me a drink (soda, of course, no alcohol at rush events) so that I could avoid going into the kitchen, and I didn't see him for the rest of the night (I later made Dana fetch me my drink and she was much more efficient). Then I went home and sulked by myself for the rest of the night because I had not wanted to stay there, yet that's where all of my friends were. Yes, I already said it; I'm childish.
Sunday came and went, except for the part where I went to get food with Demetri at midnight and then proceeded to get into an argument with him about something sorta silly but also something that has been bothering me. We then sat in my apartment for an hour in silence doing work before he went home. Alienating the friends, yeah.
But yesterday was a little better. After the dreaded presentation (I wore new clothes for that at least, yay), I went with Cat, Ian, Ryan and Dan to Rochester to join Delta Alpha people at Jillian's with this gift certificate that Cat had. We played pool and some video games, including some darts and some air hockey. Ryan bought me a drink for skipping class - I got a gin and tonic with nice Bombay Sapphire gin in it, but it tasted more like gin and water with a hint of lime since the tonic had next to no carbonation. But whatever. Then we went to pick up Krispy Kremes for the fundraiser, giving Dan and Bolcar (who we met up with there) their first free samples of right off the belt Krispy Kremes - now they understand. We proceeded to go Jay's to get some food and Helen joined us for a little while, too, so it was a pretty good Rochester trip. We played Mash on the way there and Ghost on the way back so we had a good time, though I had been hoping to get back a little sooner than 1:30am, but hey, I didn't have class until 1:15 today!
I think that brings us up-to-date. Today the following phrase was said to me by an attorney: "Can I tell him you think he's hot and you want bondage?" Yeah, that's the interesting quote of the day! :-)
- Lizzardie, at 2:55 PM
|
Friday, September 26, 2003
|
Trading Spaces is one of my new favorite shows. This is because it's light-hearted and on all the time, plus it appeals to the side of me that saw my parents always remodeling our house (or my dad doing paint samples for other people's houses). Vinny and Demetri must be so proud.
So let's see, update on previous posts. Some things are going better. I'm back to throwing myself into whatever house preparations I am asked to do for the fraternity (read: I've been up past 5 the last two nights and people are starting to wonder if Demetri lives here) and that's keeping me busy and not thinking about other fraternity things, but everything else seems a little better now.
As for the other stuff.... one of the things that was bothering me turned out, of course, to be a figment of my imagination. Basically I felt that someone I am close to was not trusting me or not wanting to tell me things anymore and I was a little hurt about it, but alas, I think there just wasn't a lot to say for awhile and now things are back to normal. So yay for that. As for everything else, I'm trying to do the best I can with doing what's best for my current mental health and my future.
And it was nice to find out that some things don't change. Knowing that after 6 years, you can still mention something to someone and they know what you're talking about well enough that you know that you haven't entirely lost all of your connections over the years... it just makes me want to relax and go with the flow and stick to what I believe in, no matter how hard it is sometimes. So thanks, Rachel, for giving me a little bit of hope back.
(I am overly thankful recently, I'm realizing, I hope that people don't mind that!)
This includes (but is not limited to) going to ALL of my classes and submitting my resume to dozens of jobs. The current objective is to submit my resume everywhere and anywhere until I get an offer and have some security next year. The second objective is location. This is because I feel that I can deal with a job I don't like AS MUCH as I might like another one better than I can deal with a location I don't like. I'm applying to all finance/data analysis/consulting/management trainee positions, so I can't imagine any job being all that different from another one. So, after I get a job, if it's not in my "ideal" location, then I keep looking, in just that location. For example, my ideal location is New England. So, if I get a job, but it's not on the East Coast, then I'll look ONLY on the East Coast and concentrate in New England. Once I get an East Coast job, I'll look only in New England. Once I get a New England job.... well, I'd especially prefer to be in Boston, wonderful city that it is, but I'll tackle that obstacle as I go.
So yeah, that's my deal right now. I find out the M.Eng. project topics next week, so maybe I shouldn't be looking too far ahead (I'm excited about that, I'm just more excited about leaving school after this year and becoming a real adult - I know everyone says the real world sucks, but I think it's about damn time I entered it now).
Ohh, and by the way... Demetri and I ate a pound and a half of boneless honey BBQ wings from Wings Over Ithaca last night, plus a ton of fries. I really hope this place is new, because how could I have gone 4 years without knowing about this place (especially because it's open late)! So yeah, here's my Wings Over Ithaca plug. :-)
- Lizzardie, at 4:26 PM
|
Monday, September 22, 2003
|
So I'm sitting in Accel (read: Carpenter Library computer lab, how fun) running models. It's ridiculously tedious, but I do need all the data, and unfortunately each program (I'm running a lot) takes about 12-15 minutes to run. And I can only run one at a time, so even though I've got 2 computers going, it's not going so fast. Blah.
At least I have time to think. Or not. The things I want to think about.... well, it turns out that I do not want to think about them. At all. It makes me think that I want a new life and if I got to decide how it would be, it would be perfect. Of course I know that isn't actually true, but I can pretend can't I? Maybe not.
Impersonations party was kinda fun. It was amusing to see everyone dressed up as someone else, and I think most people had fun, but people who were not there may have been a little offended. I've heard of at least a couple who were. It's unfortunate that those tensions exist.
I'm wondering if I should distance myself from the fraternity. I have pseudo-littles, I go to chapter meetings, I let my opinion be known about EVERYTHING - I even got a Purple Pencil Award on Sunday (and I thought only Active members could get those - and that's how it should be! or at least I shouldn't get one). There are a lot of problems, though, and unfortunately, everyone seems to be too full of themselves or not dedicated enough to fix them. For anyone reading this and thinking it's directed at them, well, you're probably right. And if you're a bit offended, well, I don't care. I know it sounds harsh but the fraternity was not built by people who got upset with every bit of criticism as seems to be happening now. And I want to be a resource to everyone - to let my knowledge and experience get used, but how many times can I keep saying the same things over and over again? Especially when it's clear that ideas are not getting thought through very well. I'm frustrated by a combined desire to do good, and to not sit idly when I know that things can be better, and a feeling of hopelessness because things do not seem to be improving. I don't know what to do.
My problems probably sound petty to everyone else. Maybe that's good for me, I don't know. But life is still stressful and I really should be dedicating more energy into my schoolwork. Maybe that will happen soon. I don't know.
- Lizzardie, at 6:25 PM
|
Sunday, September 21, 2003
|
All right... so here it is... the reason that for the last I have no idea how many days and months I've been so unhappy and disconnected from the rest of civilization (well, my friends at least) is this... the thing that I want most in this world right now I cannot have. There. I said it.
I know, I know - I should move on right? Just let it go. Why do you think that I haven't told you all what the deal is? I know what you'd say. But what do I do with this dilemna... I can think of only one way that I might be able to move on and let it all go, but it would probably involve hurting someone I care a whole lot about. I just cannot bring myself to do that. I think in the end it would create more problems for me than it would solve. So I suffer. Night after night and day after day, wondering what the hell my problem is, fixating myself on this one beacon of happiness entirely out of my reach. And you know what? I don't even know that it would MAKE me happy. But I know not having it is making me entirely unhappy and miserable.
When I was in high school, Rachel and I had this thing that we talked about a few times.... where we would rather know the truth, even if it was upsetting, than be blissfully ignorant. We felt that it was just a better way to live that way. Or something like that. The only clear time I remember us talking about it (though it was definitely more than this) was when she reminded me of it right before she told me that the guy who was my first boyfriend and my first kiss was now dating some other girl. So now it's 6 years later (I can't believe I still remember all of this). I now know a whole lot more than I did then. In fact, a lot of the time, I'm pretty damn good at figuring out what's going on around me without being told (and without explicitly seeing it). You might say that I crave this sort of knowledge. Or not, whatever. And you know what? I don't know that I still feel the same way about blissful ignorance. There are a lot of things right now that I wish I could forget entirely about. Of course I cannot do that, and my good nature or determined spirit or conscience, whatever you want to call it, will not allow me to just walk away and pretend I'm not seeing what I'm seeing. But I'm tired of doing the right thing. Or maybe it's just what I think is the right thing, and that's my real problem. Whatever it is, though, it just keeps coming back to the same problem.... I'm hurting myself again and again every single day, and I do not know if I can continue living like this. At least I know I do not want to. I need change.
- Lizzardie, at 3:42 AM
|
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
|
I'm indulging in one of my guilty pleasures before bed - mint oreo ice cream. My absolute favorite! :-)
Anyway, today was okay. I'm trying to be more studious so I'm implementing a system where I treat grad school like a job (that I'm basically paying to do). Between class and time spent either in my office (342 Upson - come visit!) working or in the M.Eng computer lab doing whatever programming is necessary for whatever assignment/project, I want it to add up to 40 hours a week. So today I worked basically from 10:00am (my first class starts at 10:10am) until about 7:00pm (okay, so it was 6:53pm), taking a little under an hour to eat lunch. There's a lot of wasted time, what with walking to and from classes, but it seems like it might be okay. Tomorrow is the true test - I only have one class, and it's at 1:30pm, so can I get my ass out of the apartment and into the office by 9:00am? I'll do my best!
I then went over to Ryan's to watch a movie with him and Cat and Andre. We watched Donnie Darko, which was, well, weird. Possessed bunny rabbits were an integral part of the plot. That's all I have to say about that.
While there, I noticed a candle holder. It was actually a candle holder that I had far from forgotten - I loaned it to Crystal back in April 2002 - almost a year and a half ago. I'd been wanting it back for a very long time, since Crystal and I aren't exactly friends anymore and it goes to a set of 6 blue votive/tealight candle holders. So with Ryan's permission (Crystal wasn't there - not that I would have asked her anyways) I took my candle holder back. I feel kind of weird about it now. I mean, it's not stealing, because I took something that belonged to me once upon a time, right? It's not like I gave it to her - I loaned it to her one night when she was upset and I had other plans. Yet I still feel like I shouldn't have taken it and I don't know why. It makes me feel really sad, and I don't like that. I hope the feeling of dread because I've done something wrong goes away and goes away soon.
- Lizzardie, at 12:31 AM
|
Saturday, September 13, 2003
|
Everything's always "right" on the surface, isn't it? Going through the motions of life, our work, our relationship and it's all great, until you actually crack the surface and look below to see what's really going on. I wonder if some things have truly made my life better, because as much as I feel I've grown and become a new person, in the end I'm still just as miserable as I always have been.
- Lizzardie, at 6:23 PM
|
Friday, September 12, 2003
|
Yeah, so all of a sudden everything seems really overwhelming. I'm trying to not get scared and to think things through and figure out a good way to manage my time (once I get through this weekend) but I know it's definitely not going to be easy. Theres a big project for a 1-credit class where I'm the only one who knows how to use this program we have to use (purposely up that way). And then there's some ridiculous frat stuff. And with that.... yeah, I've been conditioned to know that things always need improvement and that I cannot let my position or lack thereof interfere with what's in the best interests of the fraternity and that giving up is not an acceptable response to things getting too hard. So far that's been fine even though I've been tempted to give up in the past. And the thing is, I don't WANT to give up right now, but what do you do when everyone else is giving up? What do you do when you see something you love so much stagnating and not moving forward after EVERYTHING you've tried, which comes after you saw such good things get done? Especially when you KNOW that there's a lot of potential there, it just needs to be drawn out? I just don't know. Maybe I should give up. Maybe I should move on and spend more M.Eng time and look for a job so that I can live the life that I want to, and accept that college doesn't last forever. But I'm here for one more year, so why not take advantage of that and make the best of it? There are way too many decisions to make and too many options and none of them seem right. Isn't there a balance? Isn't there something that may not make everyone happy (it would be nice if it did) but would at least decrease the misery that I'm feeling around me? I just don't know right now.
- Lizzardie, at 2:29 AM
|
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
|
I would just like to say that for the first time in a long time, I played poker tonight and it was a lot of fun, even though I lost $6. :-) Apparently this is going to be a weekly thing, which is pretty exciting to me, because I enjoy it and because it's an opportunity to spend time with people I actually don't normally hang out with as much, outside of fraternity functions - i.e., Eric, Ian and Karen. And now back to Game Theory (where one of my homework problems is to figure out who wins in a 2x2 game of tic-tac-toe... I kid you not)! And then on to Inventory Management! How exciting is my life?
- Lizzardie, at 1:27 AM
|
Sunday, September 07, 2003
|
I could be studying up some Inventory Management or some Game Theory (which I really do love - if I ever find myself inclined to get a PhD, I think that would have to be a key aspect of my dissertation), but instead I will give a nice little update.
This weekend was the Phi Sigma Pi retreat. It's hard to say which was better - this year's or last year's. Last year was the first one, yet I was a big part of the organization process and a lot of things didn't go the right way (from that standpoint). This year, I was free and clear from planning but I still have insecurities about my place as an alum and there were a few things that I was disappointed in. Much of it was the same, though - s'mores, mafia, hiking, sports on the field, team-building exercises, committee discussions (how'd I end up discussing alumni???) and a big group discussion, topped off with the Lighting of the Brotherhood. That was all great, but my favorite part of the weekend was this circle thing that I believe Will called, "Who Here." The basic premise of the game was that we all stood in a circle (probably about 40 of us were there) and someone, at first just Will, would throw out a question. The example he gave was, "Who here has seen Finding Nemo?" Then, if you identified with that group, you would step into the circle. You could step as far into the circle as you wanted to - if you only identified a little bit with it, you could just take a step or two. If you identified a lot with it - say you were the president of the Finding Nemo fan club, you could step all the way into the center - whatever you wanted. The questions got a little "riskier" as Will put it - from sexuality to religion to self-injury. I thought that the true character of the game was shown when it was opened up to everyone being able to present their own questions and in doing so, choosing to reveal characteristics about themselves. Examples of questions that were given:
- "Who here is a virgin?"
- "Who here has felt discriminated against?"
- "Who here as either intentionally or unintentionally discriminated against someone else?"
- "Who here doesn't get along with their parents?"
- "Who here is happy with their appearance?"
- "Who here identifies with having a disease or disability?"
- "Who here has had alcohol poisoning?"
- "Who here has been the victim of sexual abuse?"
There were also some more light-hearted questions thrown in, such as "Who here as driven Liz Jones's car?" and "Who here likes, even just a little, SpongeBob Squarepants?" but it was the serious questions that really got to me. It made me respect and admire the people in the chapter a whole lot more, for what they went through AND for being willing to literally step forward about it - even though for some people they barely knew lots of people in the circle. I felt really close with everyone in the circle during the activity and I really hope that everyone enjoyed it. I cannot even begin to describe how much my heart grew for the chapter as a whole and for each individual member. I almost feel sorry for those people in the chapter who missed it, because I think it was that important.
All right, enough of that. One last thing before I go back to my work. I was sitting in Game Theory on Friday, desperately waiting for the end of class because I was so tired and wearing a Phi Sigma Pi shirt (this is important). Yeah, so I'm sitting there and this guy 2 rows back passes me a note, using another guy in the row behind me to get it to me, who comments, "We're passing notes in class!" It felt kinda like middle school/high school (that's actually the only time I passed notes, and almost eclusively during sophomore year) and I was ridiculously confused because I didn't know the guy the note was from at all. Anyway, the note read, "[Greetings] from an Alpha Mu alumnus!" (It actually used our fraternal word so I knew it was legitimate.) How cool is that? This guy Mark is in my program, doing an M.Eng in OR in Applied OR, which is really really cool. It's first cool because he was planning on getting in contact with our chapter anyways because he wants to be involved and he wants to help out if possible. It's also really cool because he says that all the other M.Eng's hang out together and this might be my opportunity to get to know other people in my program! So double yay! He came to part of the retreat Friday night and I hope he enjoyed meeting people from the chapter.
All right, now back to either IMing or homework/reading. :-)
- Lizzardie, at 10:26 PM
|
Friday, September 05, 2003
|
As predicted, I haven't updated in awhile. So, I will do so now while I have nothing to do but wait for my next class. Woohoo!
I've been back in Ithaca for almost two weeks and things are settling down. I finally got my room into order, after much chaos. When I finally got my 3 carloads of stuff in here, due to the way furniture was arranged, you could not walk in my room or the living room (and my room is pretty damn big). But that's all fixed now. I bought a new bed (mine sucked and was a twin - I wanted a full size one) and an executive leather desk chair. Sadly, I like to spend money, so now that my loans have gone through, I've gone a bit crazy. But I'm done now, I swear! Maybe.... We had a party here on Saturday night that was reasonably well attended... about 20 or so guests. It had to of course pour into my room because the living room is small and, well, my room might as well be part of the living room when the sliding door is open. It was a potluck and party all in one and people brought yummy food. I have to say my favorite was Ian and Karen's squid/mango/red pepper thing.... it was really really good. And there are pictures of Ian eating squid covered in whipped cream with Cat and Dana eating broccoli covered in whipped cream.... the things people will do. Overall, Anthony and Cat are good roommates so far, and the apartment is nice now that we've got it set up, if you don't count the fire alarm going off at 9:20am on Monday and 12:45am Thursday night.... stupid water leaking into the system.
I then went to the first PSP meeting of the semester. It's weird... all of my friends my age are gone yet I still have this group of friends who are younger, but they're all in the frat.... so I'm not really sure where my place as an alum and not an Active Brother is.... I guess I'll figure it out as I go along. I'm going to the retreat this weekend.... I was considering not going, because of the whole not knowing my place thing.... but everyone I talked to was enthusiastic about the idea of me going and I don't have a lot of work yet, so why not? Should be good and things will fall into place, I'm sure.
Classes are okay. I'm technically signed up for 7 classes totally 15 credits which is weird. Some end before others start and then others just end and one never technically meets and one I just have to go - no outside work. The workload seems manageable because there are only so many M.Eng classes to take, so the profs and instructors kind of work around each other.... reminds me of co-op summer when everyone was taking the same classes so there was coordination. It makes things a hell of a lot easier. I need to start the job search soon, though.
That's about it for now. I've been trying to re-acclimate into the Ithaca/Cornell scene while finding my identity as a grad student. I'll probably fail at this but I should still have a good year, I think.
- Lizzardie, at 11:53 AM
|
|
