|
Thursday, November 08, 2007
|
I found a gray hair yesterday. I guess my plans to stop highlighting my hair have been thwarted, because I WILL NOT be going gray in my 20's, thankyouverymuch.
I have decided that, while I definitely want to return to Venice and Florence very soon (like, in the next couple of years), my new European destination of choice is Barcelona. I think I could make that sort of trip happen at a relatively affordable cost (compared to, say, the Italy trip), so I might try and do that sometime next year.
I bought a pie today, for a good cause. Community Servings here in the Boston area hosts Pie in the Sky every year, selling pies from various Boston restaurants that can be picked up the day before Thanksgiving. I don't have Thanksgiving plans (I'll be in NYC that weekend, though), but I found a pickup location that's basically on my way to work. So, I ordered a pecan pie that I will be sharing with the people in my office. Pie for a good cause, but I won't be eating the whole thing. Win-win, I'd say.
- Lizzardie, at 1:15 PM
|
Monday, November 05, 2007
|
Actions speak louder than words. Such a cliche, and at times, so true. But now I have to use my words to say what I'm feeling, and have been feeling, and I'm not sure how well it's going to go.
I have been censoring myself on this blog for awhile now. Part of that is because of who my readers are. Some of you read because you're my friends, and I suppose you're curious about what's going on in my life. Some of you... don't like me very much, and I'm not sure why you read - maybe because you want to keep tabs on me or on my interactions with other people, or because you're looking for something to use against me? To mock me? I don't know. It's not really the point, though, the point is that because everyone in my life, whether friends or not, seems to be so very, very connected, I have been careful about what I say in such a public forum.
I am not going to stop questioning whether or not the things I have to say are appropriate for the internet - my day job involves reading the internet, and I also happen to know that sometimes the anonymity we receive by typing up a bunch of things and hitting a button isn't exactly what we think it is. But, I do need to stop caring so much about what other people think. And it would probably do me some good to be more open.
So here goes. I have had a ROUGH six (or seven?) months. No one has died, everyone I know is healthy. I have a job, and a home, friends... I bought myself a new car and went on an incredible foreign vacation. And yet, I have been miserable.
I can pinpoint what really kicked the misery into high gear to getting laid off from my job and having a very close friendship basically disintegrate within less than 36 hours of each other. And... I'm not over either of those things. I hate my job, and I've lost a lot of faith in the people I work for making things any better. I know what I have to do, but that doesn't make it any easier (neither did my commitment to myself to stay for at least six months, though that has come and gone with no improvement).
As for the disintegrated friendship... I wish I could say that it was as easy to move on from as I wanted it to be. But it's not. And thanks to interconnected lives, I cannot say that only two people were affected by it, because it's not true. Mistakes have been made on all sides, and I don't really know where to go from here. But, I am trying a few things, and hopefully we will eventually reach a point where we at the very least have a mutual understanding. To that point, I will not be going back to poker this week, but that is the (eventual) goal, and as long as that is everyone's goal, I'm willing to work toward it, instead of forcing the issue. Because it is one thing to say, "at this time, I don't think we can ever be friends again" (which I did say) and another to do the thing that you know makes it final.
One of the problems with being so down is that my default response it to protect myself, which I do basically by hiding. So I have spent most of the last seven months by myself. I haven't really gone out or tried to see my friends, except when they try to see me. Which, I have to say, hasn't felt like it's been that often. But maybe that's me. Maybe when I stop making plans, that sends the signal to others that they should stop making plans with me, I don't really know.
But now I'm done. At the very least, I'm going to do the things I want to do - theatre, music, see my friends, play poker, generally not be afraid to leave my house for fear of who I might see, figure out what I what to do with my life - because I want to do them. I cannot please everyone, and I just need to stop trying.
I have a feeling that this is going to continue to not be easy.... which is why I might have added a shot of amaretto to my coffee yesterday morning (ohh yes, it was before noon) before meeting someone for coffee. That's not bad, right? I mean, sometimes we need something to calm our nerves!
- Lizzardie, at 12:46 PM
|
Friday, November 02, 2007
|
My car now has a name: Chuck. Feel free to comment on this. :-P
The Stitch 'n Bitch last night was fun. It was held at Bloc 11, the new cafe in Union Square. I like Bloc 11 - it's sorta like Diesel in Davis Square (they are owned by the same people) but has its own character, as well. This just adds to my love of Union Square.
- Lizzardie, at 12:28 PM
|
Thursday, November 01, 2007
|
Tuesday night was Girls' Night Out. I was a little skeptical, at first, even though the last Girls' Night Out was a lot of fun, just because I don't usually like hanging out with just girls (too much estrogen). But, I had a great time, and felt really good afterwards. This was really helpful for me because of what happened yesterday.
First, we met at Console on Broadway in Cambridge. I had never been there, but it turns out that it's this really delicious, really inexpensive Portuguese restaurant that I will definitely need to return to. The six of us (myself, Kristen, Cheryl, Jen, Natalie and Kara, who works with Jeff) had a pitcher of Sangria, a bottle of wine, two appetizers, an entree each, one flan and a bottle of house wine, all for $150, including tip. Highly recommend this place.
Anyhow, when I got there, none of the girls were there (they had gone to get pedicures beforehand and I needed to run some errands), but Johnny was. Johnny was the first to suggest I come to Sally's the next night, even though I've made it clear that I can't go. He brushed off all of my reasons for not going, and I said I'd think about it.
This was a trend throughout the evening. I showed my Italy pictures, we all talked, Kristen's friend Laura arrived, we heard about her recent engagement, we all talked, we moved the festivities to Sally's (ahh, a Sapphire and tonic at a reasonable price, ohh, how I've missed it!), etc... The conversation turned to the poker game that I no longer attend, which is usually upsetting to me - not because they go, but because I "can't". And they all put off my reasons for not going.
By the end of Tuesday night, I'd decided I'd had enough. Everyone was right - I have every right to be there. Jen, who lives right down the street from where I work, offered to meet up beforehand, so we could go shopping, get dinner, whatever, and then head to the poker game together. I agreed that it sounded like a great plan. After all, it wasn't about causing trouble (which is why I've stayed away for so long anyway) or creating a scene, it was about having a good time with my friends, and not letting anything get in the way of that.
In the end, poker was canceled. I still went to the bar, and had a good time with Jen, Johnny and a few others. Even more importantly, I feel really good about a lot of things. Yesterday was a HUGE step for me. I hope I can continue to take those kinds of steps in the near (and not so near) future.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do next Wednesday, at this point. Whether or not there will be a poker game or not seems to be a little up in the air, anyway. But whatever happens, I think I'm ready for it.
Tonight's step: going to a Stitch 'n Bitch with people I've never met. Wish me luck!
- Lizzardie, at 2:11 PM
|
|
