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Sunday, January 18, 2004
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I thought I was doing better, but now I realize that I'm not. Argh. I got my car fixed and headed to Boston to spend the weekend with Herb's family and friends for his birthday. I thought it would be a lot of fun, and parts of it have been pretty good. But I've really felt out of place all weekend long and like I've been kinda thrown off to the side. I also feel very uncomfortable, and I hate that feeling. And now I've been given a peanut butter sandwich and left alone. Honestly, this is the worst treatment I've ever gotten in this apartment, and it really pisses me off. Not necessarily because of the treatment, but because of the circumstances that have changed to make it this way. I could sit by myself at home, and that's not the least of it. I managed to drop $20 on the ground today and watched it blow away, because as I usually feel, no one pays attention to me enough to listen to what I'm saying, and then they didn't believe me. Right now, I seriously wish I was in Ithaca. Not because I like Ithaca better, mind you, I still want to move here. But because right now my home is in Ithaca and I want to be home. And I only sorta blame Herb - it is his birthday weekend, after all. I don't want to make it about me, me, me. But I did come here to see him, and, well.... I don't know. I just don't want to be in this apartment right now.
- Lizzardie, at 2:12 AM
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Wednesday, January 14, 2004
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All right, so last night I was ready to write everyone off and just go to bed feeling sorry for myself. And then I got the IM I was dreading, and I just wanted to make it go away. But you know what? It wasn't bad at all. In fact, it was good. Instead of having my feelings and issues written off for the sake of someone else's, I got some attention. I got to talk about some things and questions were asked and no one tried to solve my problems for me. I was just reminded that I can be stronger and that I've even said that I want to be. How is it that everyone time I think I've had enough of something, I come to find that it's all been in my head. I got just what I wanted and needed last night and even what I had been ranting about here for, and by the time I went to bed (which was around 6:30am, surprise, surprise), I wasn't even in a bad mood anymore. Sometimes I'm amazed at how even though there are a lot of things that I want and even need sometimes, I'm never as alone as I think I am. I guess that in that way, I'm pretty lucky.
Nothing has changed. I still have no money and my car is still hurting and my bracelet is still broken. My project is still going tediously slow. But despite the few hours of sleep I got this morning (I had to be at work on the project at 11:30am), today hasn't been so bad.
- Lizzardie, at 7:08 PM
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Put whatever MP3 player you use on shuffle. Play 10 songs. Post a list of the 10 songs it played.
1. "Ballad of a Thin Man," Bob Dylan and The Band
2. "Bound for the Floor," Local H
3. "Closer," Nine Inch Nails
4. "Amazing Grace," Ani DiFranco
5. "Daughter," Pearl Jam
6. "Karma Cameleon," Cayuga's Waiters
7. "I Want to Hold Your Hand," The Beatles
8. "Rockafella Skank," Fatboy Slim
9. "Shy," Ani DiFranco
10. "Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)," Baz Luhrman
Please keep in mind that I've been building my MP3 collection for 4.5 years now. This includes the Napster days. What a strange collection it is.
I forgot to mention Christmas presents. I don't want to brag too much, but I got a few nice things. I got a digital camera and speakers and a subwoofer from Santa Claus, clothes from my parents, money from various relatives and my grandmother made me a scarf, which was one of 3 scarves I got. I'm having fun with the digital camera - I set up rows of pennies tonight and took a picture of it to use as a desktop background. Weird, maybe. I also took a picture of the keys of my laptop last week for the same purpose. As for the speakers - music sounds much nicer, so now I sorta have a stereo. But my AIM and email sounds have become really funny with the addition of bass. Ahh well.
I've been in a pretty shitty mood since I got back to Ithaca. I guess it's probably a combination of a few things. None of my friends are back, including my roommates. I don't even have money to buy food this week. Supposedly I'm getting a stipend check on Thursday, so let's keep praying for that. The check engine light is on in my car. Wheee. I've been working on my project, which is both tedious in that the 1 computer the 5 of us have to work on is slow as molasses (not good for 200 MB files - it takes 10 minutes to open an 85 MB text file, and that's about the simplest operation we have to do) and my group annoys the hell out of me. I'll be honest. I don't really like any of them (though I don't necessarily hate them), I don't want to be friends with them, I don't want to joke around with them. I just want to work on the project and do work that I enjoy. Instead they make it this excruciating process for me. I kicked ass in Connect 4 today, because someone brought it in, and I didn't even want to play. I keep going over to the couch in the lounge and lying down for pockets of time, because there's nothing better for me to do. Argh.
I've been trying to look forward to going to Boston this weekend for Herb's birthday, but it's been hard. Probably partly because he's annoying the hell out of me with the things he's asking me to do for him this week, but for anyone who knows our "work relationship," this is not unusual. And it's only Tuesday, anyways. Also because I'm just... sad. This was one of those nights where I really wanted to talk to someone and couldn't think of a single person I could call that I felt comfortable talking to. I tried pampering myself by giving myself somewhat of a facial (with what I found to be edible cleanser), but I doubt the tears later helped. So I've been doing some cleaning, but that of course doesn't really make me feel happy. I'm just really miserable. I feel so very alone. And I'm pretty sure that it's one of those moods where I'm likely to pick a fight with anyone who tried to talk to me, because it's like I want to prove that I'm legitimate in feeling the way I feel. Everyone I know will tell me I'm not, but that doesn't change anything. The last time I was this upset, I got all sorts of compliments about how great I am, etc, etc, etc.... But then last month, during my week from hell with finals and being sick and whatnot, when a bunch of us went to see Lord of the Rings, I ended up sitting by myself because no one thought to find a seat with them for me, too. It's those sorts of things that I remember and I think about when I'm feeling like this. How is it if that all of my friends like me, I end up feeling like an outcast still when a big group of us are together? I feel like an outcast a lot of the time when I open up my room to my friends at a party. It's a terrible feeling. Why is it that I don't have that many close friends anymore? I guess it's true that after years of going from close friend to close friend, getting hurt a million times along the way, I've just had enough. You can only get trampled on so many times before you surround yourself with an indestructable wall. But it's not like I'm less miserable. And it's not even like my temper has actually gone away. Instead, whenever I'm upset enough to cry, I also feel like using force to break things. So I live my temper out that way.
There are days at home when no one goes near my mom. My cousin thinks that she is partly manic-depressive, and honestly, I could see that. She gets in a mood where no matter what you say to her, she's going to scream back at you and find fault in whatever it is you said/did. And of course nothing is ever her fault. One day, she came home from something and was pissed because her printer wouldn't work. Well, getting this printer to work was always like brain surgery, in that you had to take so many specific, ridiculous steps to get it to print, so it's not that surprising that she couldn't get the printer to print. She came out and yelled at everyone who was home about how we had broken the printer, blah blah blah. We all cowered - me, my dad, my sisters and said barely a word until she went out somewhere. I then went in to the office, fixed one little thing that made the printer work, and that was that. I never bothered to tell my mom what the problem was, because I was pretty sure that she'd find something to snap about (and if you've met her and heard her yell or scream or snap, you know why this is something to be avoided). I'm afraid very often that I'm going to end up like that.
I guess that's enough ranting for me for one night. Writing and music and candles and wine have made me feel a little more calm, though not any less sad. Ohh, let me add one more thing. My silver Tiffany bracelet that I've had for about 2 months broke today. A link came loose. It's fixable, but beads went flying and it was just another example of how I can't take care of nice things. Yeah, I'm no less sad. I may work on a project or go to bed now, I'm not sure which.
- Lizzardie, at 1:48 AM
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I promised an update about the rest of my break, so here goes, because I don't like to break promises.
I really did spend a lot of break sleeping. Sorta. For some reason, I found the need to stay up until 4am most every night and sleep until past noon. My mom was not happy (she was home most of the time I was). I had no motivation to do a whole lot. I did manage, at some point, to go through all of my boxed stuff. That was nostalgic. My stationary collection, memories and awards from h.s., letters that friends had sent me, reminding me of the people I was friends with back in h.s. I miss some of them. I was reminded that while I had a few zany moments, I'm just as serious as ever. I threw a lot of things away. I remembered the books I'd read, and I still can't find A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. I remembered how much I loved puzzles. I saw all of the costume jewelry I made at one point, and then there were the memories from Girl Scout Camp - making jewelry, learning about photography, they were fun. The rest of it, not so much. I've always set myself up for disappoint, and, well, most of the time, life does not fail me. I guess that's the way it is.
I saw Jaime while I was home. It's weird, having a friend who's married. I wish her and Jeremy the best, but it's still weird. She's still in school, they play Dungeons and Dragons with their friends... ahh well. I got to see the beautiful wedding pictures, and that was nice. I picked out a bunch for her to scan and get me copies of for the frame she gave me. They came out nice, and it really was a beautiful wedding.
New Years Eve was, as always, non-eventful. It's probably my least favorite holiday. I guess people use it to get drunk and be optimistic and act like they can start over. Maybe I don't really believe in that. I mean, it's just a day, right? How much really changes from 11:59pm on December 31st to 12:00am on January 1st? Not a damn thing. And I treat it that way.
I played some Texas Hold'em tournaments with my dad and his friends (family friends) on New Years Eve and New Years. I won a tournament where the winnings were $60, so that put me ahead by $28 for the two days, which was nice. And given all the celebrity poker I've watched and playing there and trying out new things, I think I'm becoming a better player. I guess I'll find out when Poker Night starts up again.
After 3 weeks at home, I headed back to New York last Friday. I drove to Buffalo on Friday to see my aunt, and then I drove to Rochester on Saturday to see Bolcar and Helen and Nannette. Bolcar and Helen and I had dinner at Friday's, then went back to Helen's and watched The Mask of Zorro. After Nannette got off of work, she and her boyfriend, Adam, came by and all 5 of us went to this nearby bar, which was pretty low-key. We played some darts - Helen and Bolcar beat Nannette and Adam, and then Bolcar and I lost to Nannette and Adam. I stayed at Helen's, so she and I stayed up and talked for awhile, and then Sunday morning/afternoon we met up with Bolcar again to have brunch at The Frog Pond. They had a meal called the Horny Toad (none of us got it). It was really good to see them, especially since now I'm by myself in Ithaca.
All right, that's all for break. Exciting, huh?
- Lizzardie, at 1:20 AM
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Tuesday, January 13, 2004
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Cat posted the link to the Gender Genie in her blog today, and I was already test it out on my blog, until I read further and learned that in her boredom, Cat had already tested my blog. It says I'm female, so go me. :-) Anyway, I took that as a sign that I need to update.
So I'm back in Ithaca after 3 weeks of doing absolutely nothing at home. Except sleeping. On an air mattress that was uncomfortable. Go me.
Anyway, let's get back to the other things that happened. My sister and I played Santa Liz and Santa Kim and got the family a puppy for Christmas. Her name is Maggie (after Maggie Simpson), and they told us she's a shepherd mix, but she looks to have some beagle and maybe even some doberman in her. Time will tell, I guess, but my mom's hoping her ears will stick up like a German Shepherd's do. :-P You can see a picture of her here.
Getting a puppy is no easy feat. First of all, when I came home, my family was talking about it, and my sisters all wanted a puppy, but my dad was like, "If Santa brings a puppy here, he's not getting through this door." My mom looked at him and said, "If Santa doesn't bring a puppy, YOU will have problems." So I was a little nervous about the whole thing right when my sister approached me about it, but went ahead anyway. Having my mom's friend Joleen's help was useful, and later my mom gave us her blessing. I put about 200 miles on my car driving around the Chicago suburbs, looked at a lot of dogs, learned we had to take the cat to get rabies shots and other insanity before we finally found Maggie at a shelter in Chicago on Western Ave. I think they were glad to have someone from the suburbs adopting. We couldn't pick Maggie up until Dec. 26th, so I took pictures and my sister and I wrapped a box with the pictures in a frame and a stuffed German Shepherd dog. So we see which parent won that battle. :-) And as Herb pointed out to me, yes, we did purposely add another female to our house.
When we brought the puppy home, we learned a few things. One is that the cat hates her. Absolutely despises the puppy. She'll have to get over it, though as of when I left on Friday, she hadn't. Also, Emilee felt bad at first and wouldn't go see the puppy, because the new puppy made her miss Chloe. My mom told her that she could love the new puppy as much as she loved Chloe, and she warmed up. It's pretty easy to tell that Emilee is still sad about Chloe, but my mom even more so.
Well, then on New Years Eve, Maggie started acting really lethargic. New Years Day, my mom thought she might have gotten into chocolate, so she took her to the emergency vet. They thought she had parvo, this really deadly puppy virus, along with 3 different kinds of worms (yes, I know, disgusting), so they kept her so they could put her on IV fluids and antibiotics. Fun. The next day my mom took her to another vet. She stayed overnight again. Finally that Saturday she was able to take her to our vet... she didn't have parvo, she'd just had a false positive test because she'd recently started the first set of vaccinations for it. So she got to come home! She had to wear this silly looking cone on her head so that she wouldn't chew at the catheter in her leg. See a picture of her in it here!
So now Maggie is home and fattening up (her collar fits her now) and I'm not there to see her anymore. :-( Ahh well.
All right, that's enough for now. I'll try and update again tomorrow about the rest of break.
- Lizzardie, at 1:16 AM
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