Words of Lizzardie




Monday, January 31, 2005

Because it's so damn funny....

20 Questions to a Better Relationship

eXpressive: 8/10
Practical: 4/10
Physical: 2/10
Giver: 10/10

You are a XSIG--Expressive Sentimental Intellectual Giver. This makes you a Teddy Bear.

Hee! I just want to give you a big squeeze. You are tender, honest, generous and fair. You are an excellent kisser and a sensitive, communicative lover, and you know it. You would never intentionally hurt someone's feelings or overstep his/her boundaries. You have beautiful eyes.

Most people take your laid-back attitude, blazing wit and subtle sexiness and stick you in "friend." But some see your extreme hotness for what it is and latch on. This means you have a few members of your target sex in the bank at all times -- I call this "money in the sex bank" -- but you're too sensitive and thoughtful to exploit them. More than once.

You are so rational and deliberate in an argument that it can frustrate and exhaust your partner. Your fights can take forever, but your press on with them until they are completely resolved and both you and your partner are satisfied. If your partner is weak of will, s/he may just give in -- be wary of this! An emotional or passive-aggressive outburst later will hurt and horrify you.

It is *critically important* that you are able to respect your partner. The moment you lose respect for him/her, you lose everything.

When you make friends, you make them for life -- you can go without speaking to a friend for years and pick up right where you left off. You are completely faithful, both physically and emotionally. You are the second best (to XPIG) parent of any type.

If you are male, you have a huge shlong. Just saying.

Of the 186684 people who have taken this quiz, 7.9 % are this type.

- Lizzardie, at 2:55 PM Post Link


Monday, January 24, 2005

I'm "working" from home today. Thus far I've sorted my email. And done other non-work stuff.

Ahh, the weekend, which apparently, sorta, extends to today, Monday. I wish I could go back to sleep, but I think that would be pushing the work from home boundaries.

I got to go home early Friday, which was nice. I watched TV. And then, at 10:00pm, as I was winding down for a quiet weekend in, Susan invites me skiing for the next day. I've been wanting to go skiing for quite awhile, so I of course accept. And then she tells me we're leaving at 5:30am to drive 2 hours to New Hampshire. Oy.

We went to Mt. Loon in Lincoln, NH, which is in the White Mountains. As we drove farther north, the thermostat on Susan's car registered an increasingly negative temperature (-16 at one point). I began regretting the skiing decision. When we got to the mountain, though, I bought some more layers (ski pants and some more ski-type shirts) because everything in the ski shop was 40% off (can't be that). And I was plenty warm, though I could barely move. Ahh well.

So we get out onto the mountain. And I forgot how to ski. It was like when I first started. I couldn't move without falling. The good news to this was that I remembered how to get up again without taking off my skis (with all the layers, taking them off didn't help much anyhow) but pretty soon I was hurting. It was a good thing that I was so warm that sitting in the snow didn't bother me. Susan left me to go down and meet me again on the slope as I struggled to get down. When she found me again, I'd taken a pretty hard fall, popping one of my skis off. So I went to put it back on, and learned that the ski had broken. This day was not going well. My stomach was protesting too (not quite sure why).

So Susan went for help, and we got to ride down the slope in a sled, which was a great experience. The guy was on skis, pulling two of us straight downhill in a sled. I wish I could ski that well (at that point, I couldn't ski at all). I went to get a new set of rentals, and then into the lodge to drink some water. I sent Susan out to do another run while I took a break. And then I tried again, because after spending that much money, I wasn't about to give up that easily (though I felt like it).

Up to the top of the slope again (this, by the way, was the shortest, easiest of the slopes - they didn't have a real bunny slope, other than the rope pull thing). One thing to my credit is that I didn't fall getting off the lift once. Anyhow, at the top, I again struggled. I had managed to remember how to turn one way, but turning right was a problem, as my right leg wasn't quite ready to let my left do all the work. But I forced the right leg out of the snow to train it, and it happened - I remembered how to ski! It was kind of amazing how fast my skiing changed from falling to staying up right. I was deliriously happy.

So we skiid through the afternoon. We got to ride the superfast 4-person lift and the 4-person gondola lift. And we ate lunch at the Summit Lodge, which had a great view. After that run (some 1800 feet, I think) I was beat, and it was 3:00pm anyhow (the mountain closes at 4:00pm). So I told Susan to go ahead up again, but I was going to sit and drink water. I went inside, to learn that the snow estimates for Boston had been revised from 8-12 inches to 30 inches for that night, and it had already started snowing there. Oy. Susan's run only took 20 minutes (that same thing would have taken me an hour), so we headed out after that (we got to ride a train, since we had made it from one part of the moutain all the way to the other). And Susan got them to give me a free rental because of my trouble earlier, so I'm hoping to get back to that mountain one more time this season.

It's amazing how good ice cold water tastes, even when it's colder than ice cold outside.

The drive back wasn't that great, given the ever-deteriorating road conditions. But Susan got us back safely, and I then hybernated in my room, mostly sleeping from 8:30pm to 1:30pm the next day (I even took a nap later Sunday afternoon). There was much shoveling to do, but the roommates did a lot of it. All and all, I think we got 2 feet of snow. I don't think the roommates are very happy with me because they did so much more shoveling than me (I did still have my share to do) but honestly, I don't think they did that much more than me (they had help clearing the front of the driveway with the people upstairs) and they didn't have to do it. It was still snowing when they finished, and I had just not been in a hurry to start. It's not my fault that they felt an urgency to get it done, even though Jamie didn't even use her car yesterday.

I bought a pomegranate yesterday. I'm not sure what I was thinking. Other than that every muscle in my body hurts.

I did try to get into work today, but the roads are in an awful state. Everything is plowed, but not salted. I figured the local roads would be bad, but when I got to Mass Ave and found the same conditions, I knew it was time to turn back. And wouldn't you know it, my car got stuck as I tried to turn onto my street, and two people had to help me push it out. It's nice to be safe inside and not on the roads, where I'm likely to hurt myself or someone else.

Otherwise, nothing too exciting. I've been thinking a lot about happiness and whether I'm truly happy. It's occurred to me that I measure happiness not based on how much money or things or friends I have or how much time I spend volunteering or doing frat stuff or playing poker or attending hockey games or skiing or reading or... you get the idea. Yes, those things bring momentary joy and put a smile on my face. But that's not happy. And yes, there are things that bring me down - work or bills or fights with friends. But that's not unhappy, either. Happy is when I'm by myself, with nothing to do, with no distractions and I don't want to cry. When I can smile about nothing. When I can wake up, get out of bad, and not have my brain screaming at me about something or another. When I can look at my face in the mirror and not want to close my eyes again, because I'm so sad at what I've become. Happiness is peace with myself. And on this worst day of the year, this is what I will be striving from now on. By myself, because I'm the only one who can do it.

All right, back to "work."

- Lizzardie, at 11:34 AM Post Link


Friday, January 21, 2005

Can I just say that I love the Modest Mouse album?

Today I got to go home at 3:45. Thank goodness, because I wasn't doing anything, and the last three weeks have just about killed me.

Cat posted this article in her Blog today. There's an equation, so you know I love it. :-) Anyhow, it explains a lot. I've wondered over the years if I actually have seasonal affective disorder, but I do know that the last few weeks have been very frustrating to me. I'd been doing so well, and have felt so out of it for the entire new year. It's been making me think, and obviously it's not just everything in this study, it's just kinda the slow down after December and the crappy weather. This week I've slept so much and I'm still exhausted. So let's actually make Jan 24 the worst day of the year. It'd be better if today had been the worst, but just in case, and in case the weekend is bad. No matter what, I will do my best to make sure every day after Jan 24 is better than that day. As if that makes sense.

- Lizzardie, at 8:46 PM Post Link


Wednesday, January 19, 2005

I found a birthday card a few weeks ago. Not one for me, but one I had bought and written out for someone else, several years ago. Obviously I never delivered it, and at some point stuck it in a book. When I went to read that book is when I found the card.

When things like this happen, I think about fate. I don't know that I necessarily believe in it, but my mind can't help but wonder. Did this happen for a reason? Is there something about this moment (in a broad sense, of course), right now, that made me find the card? I mean, I feel at peace with the intended recipient of the card, so I have yet to figure out what it means. Maybe nothing, but I can't help but wonder - does everything really happen for a reason?

Some days, I don't feel like today is better than yesterday, a month ago, 3 months ago, 6 months ago, a year ago, 5 years ago.... some days I feel like nothing's changed, that I'm still struggling to get free and figure out what the hell I'm doing with my life. Some days I feel like I've made terrible decisions and that I'll never be able to fix them. I wish today wasn't one of those days.

- Lizzardie, at 9:50 PM Post Link


Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Coffee.

This deserves a posting of its own.

So some of you may have seen me drink coffee. Others may have heard about me drinking coffee. For those of you who do not fit into either category, I'll fill you in. I like sugar. A lot. And cream. A lot. My coffee tends to be syrupy, super-saturated goodness. Yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

With my new coffee maker and magical thermos, I've been drinking coffee on a daily basis. I think this is a terrible habit, not just the coffee, but also the sugar (cream is okay I suppose - I buy fat free stuff). So, if I'm going to have one vice, I need to cut back on the other. Maybe I should just drink cream with sugar dissolved in it, you say? Well, I kinda want the caffeine.

So this weekend, I filled my mug up with coffee and then added my cream. And then I did something I never do - I tried my coffee before I added the sugar! And it turns out, it didn't taste bitter! Not sweet of course, but not bitter which is the whole problem. So, I added one teaspoon of sugar (I meant to add a tablespoon, but whatever - it was a giant mug) and that was it. And then I drank it. And it was good. And then I did the same thing on Monday, this time with the tablespoon. And I also drank that. And it was also good. And maybe I can handle this less sugar thing. :-) (Note: I ran out of cream and was forced to go to Starbucks and use part of my giant gift certificate to buy a caramel macchiato and a cheese danish - tragic).

This was maybe a stupid story, but whatever. Other news: I got a raise today. Okay, it's effective after our company board meeting, but whatever. This is good. :-)

- Lizzardie, at 8:05 PM Post Link


Monday, January 17, 2005

I've been meaning to update for about a week, but I've had a lot to say, or I think I do, and I guess I haven't felt like putting it all into words.

Where to start... the last time I wrote was New Years, and I was having a pretty bad day. I ended up having 4 bad days, actually, all in a row. But I guess things have looked up since then. It's winter and it's cold and dark, so despite my best efforts, sometimes I have a bad day. I don't know what I can do about that. Today wasn't so hot, but let's forget about it for now.

You'd think I would be fine, since I apparently have been busy hanging out with many many friends. Monday the 3rd was Susan's birthday, so went to The Elephant Walk, which has a great reputation. I didn't enjoy it so much though (or at least as much as it cost). I later learned (thanks to Jeff at work) that I needed to eat from the Cambodian side of the menu as opposed to the French side. I think I just need to avoid French food in general out here - clearly it's not good. Then the next day, I had dinner with Karen. We were hunting for Chinese food, but failed, so ended up eating at The Joshua Tree in Davis Square. I'd had drinks there before, but not food - it was decent pub food. That weekend, Eric was in town, so Friday night we went to Changsho (Chinese food for Karen, finally!), which I thought was really really good - we had crab rangoons and mango chicken and some sort of lamb and something else - lo mein I think. And then Saturday morning was more Chinese food - we went for Dim Sum in Chinatown. We were eating with Eric's friend Heather and her med school friends, and thank goodness there was someone who knew the language! It makes Dim Sum so much easier. And then I was ready to take a long nap....

Except of course I didn't get to. Susan called, and it turned out that Kat was in town for the hockey game. So, I went to a movie in Harvard Square with them and friends... Spanglish, which I thought was not very good. Afterwards, we went to John Harvard's for dinner. Now, I've eaten at John Harvard's many times, but I was not prepared for the site that greeted me.... a sea of carnelian and white. Apparently, John Harvard's is THE place to go if you're a Cornellian before the Cornell-Harvard hockey game out here at "Lynah East." I even was running into people I know (Ben, Tanya, Kate, Alex)! The meal was complete with several call and response "Harvard Sucks!" chants and one "Let's Go Red!" chant. Part of me swelled with pride for my obnoxious former classmates, part of me was insanely jealous that I didn't have tickets to the game, and part of me felt so sorry for the other patrons of the restaurant.

Instead of hockey, I got to play poker since Eric was still in town. Karen, Eric, Karen's roommate Liz, Liz's boyfriend Joe and Herb all came over to play. I did well in regular play, particularly given that I hadn't played in a long time (though none of us had). I did not do well in tournament play, though, but by that time I had more than a half of a bottle of wine in me. After the game, Herb tried to rope me into a discussion about politics, particularly Social Security, and of course he succeeded. Ugh. A few days later he informed that while he disagrees with my beliefs and thinks I'm hypocritical, I am "internally consistent" and that's something. All right then.

Last week was less busy. I went over to hang out with Jeff and Kristen because they had Christmas presents for me. Jeff apparently picked them out (almost) all by himself and wrapped them himself - impressive. They got me a fondue pot and a wine and cheese set minus the wine and cheese - a cheese board and spreaders and coasters and wine charms, with a wine motif. Very nice present. I also gave the boys the rest of their present - two bottles of Finger Lakes wine and Scattergories - and Herb gave me my Christmas present from him, a gold candle set (very pretty). Susan came over to watch Alias and we all ended up hanging out and having a bottle of wine, because Herb wanted to use his new rabbit cork screw. It was nice to spend time with the boys. I of course got to see them again this past Saturday for Herb's birthday shindig. Small group there, but all happy people, including Eric who came down again and Jenny who drove into Boston for the weekend. There was wine and a shot of Jameson. Now, I like the smell of whiskey, but generally don't like to shoot it - except the Jameson was REALLY smooth. I could get used to that. Too bad it's so expensive and I have no money.

In other news, I'm addicted to Lost and 24 now. I blame Dan and Susan, respectively. And Lost makes me want to read about epistemology and John Locke (someone please don't tell Herb). I know, it's really sad. Ohh, and for those who thought it would never happen.... Alias and The West Wing are on at the same time now and I have chosen Alias over The West Wing. I'll allow some time for your gasps to subside..... okay. Don't fear, though - I've been downloading The West Wing episodes via BitTorrent so I'm not actually missing them, just watching them a few days late.

I've also heard from a half dozen or so people from high school in the past month or so, in some form or another, be it Thefacebook (most likely medium) or IM. It's somewhat surreal, but makes me wonder how other people from high school are doing. Are they happy, working, living, still in school, making the best of life, etc... I guess I don't want to know about everyone, but there are definitely people who I've lost touch with that I'm curious about.

So that was the last 2+ weeks in a nutshell. I learned, for the millionth time, that I am incapable of sleeping after drinking. It made for another two wasted Sundays. And I really miss poker. It's not just the game, it's the camaraderie and the comfort and being able to look forward to something each week, which is sometimes helpful in getting me through tougher times. Too bad Karen is the only one whose willing to play every week and lives here. Maybe I'll try and at least get Susan and Kristen organized enough to have biweekly dinners, with would be something. I want to do a fondue night, since Susan and I both have fondue pots now, so we could do fondue dinner and dessert (read: chocolate).

I've also had a lot on my mind, both personally and professionally. Work has been really busy, and it can be frustrating sometimes. I know that I'm doing well and getting through the work and my superiors are pleased with me. And I'm generally happy, just some things bother me. I keep looking towards the future, and because I'm not sure where exactly the company is going right now, I'm a little uneasy at times. It's probably good to look forward to the future, though. I've been trying to not assess too much until after my review, which will be whenever Jeff can pin down Andrew. I've been there 6 months, can you believe that?

As far as personal stuff.... I'm still trying to sort through months of depression, so you'll have to excuse me if I'm sometimes now. For awhile last week, I was having realizations everyday, which was good but somewhat overwhelming at times. My revelations of course usually leave me feeling partly good and partly ashamed or sad. I feel like I took one more step towards resolving a bunch of it this weekend, though I need some feedback to know for sure. I've also been making mental notes about the steps I've taken to make myself better and feel better, and how I know things have gotten better and what the signs were. I'm hoping that if I spend endless quantities of time sorting through all of this, then maybe I won't have to go through anything like that again. Or if something does happen, and things do happen, maybe I can crawl my way out of it sooner. One can hope.

Hmm, this is probably long enough now. I'll try not to be so long in writing next time (and then I don't have to write such long entries).

- Lizzardie, at 8:01 PM Post Link


Saturday, January 01, 2005

Happy New Year.

The fact that I'm updating now just tells you how depressing this New Years was. Ahh well - here's to a better 2005 (again).

- Lizzardie, at 1:01 AM Post Link


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