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Sunday, April 27, 2003
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So, one more week.... yes, today starts the last week of classes (tomorrow, really) of my undergraduate career. Didn't I just arrive in Ithaca yesterday? I'm in much denial about graduation.... I think the fact that I know I'll be around next year is adding to that. But besides that, some really great friends are graduating, and I don't think I want to admit that I don't know when I'm going to see them again. =(
I went out last night with Adam and his roommate and some of their friends. I really love going out with the guys and I don't know why. They are vulgar and rude and obnoxious.... but then again, when I go out drinking with the girls, I inevitably end up having to carry someone home, and that's not as fun. As the guys were ogling some girls that came in, I commented that I don't get that dressed up when I go out to the bars, and I think part of the reason is that no guy is going to come and hit on me when I'm at a table with 4 guys. But I don't mind so much, I guess. We did a nice crawl last night.... Stella's, Bear Lodge and Dino's.... and then walked down to Hot Truck! While I've eaten Hot Truck a coupla times, I think that was the first time I had actually gone and picked up my order from the truck. Good times.
Tonight is Senior Night for PSP. I have no idea what they have planned for us. All I know is that I "dress for tips." Yes, that's right, Corinne has instructed me to come to Senior Night dressed like a whore. This should be.... INTERESTING. Actually, I had better have a good time, if I'm going dressed like that. Full report later, I guess.
In other news, I have turned in my last problem set as an undergraduate, my grandmother is not coming to graduation because my cousin is getting married (nevermind that my graduation has been scheduled for, ohhh, 4 years now) and I've decided that maybe liquoring up my family graduation weekend is the best thing to do in order to maintain my sanity (my parents are a little upset because they are spending "a million dollars" to stay at a hotel in Ithaca because I told them it would make my life easier, which it will). I need a shower.
- Lizzardie, at 11:31 AM
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Friday, April 18, 2003
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It's really quite good to have my Persephone back. The doctors at HP replaced her battery, motherboard and CD drive.... it's like she's brand new.... only she already was brand new....
So, I pushed my car to the max this week apparently. I went to take her to work, and got as far as jutting out into oncoming traffic on Stewart Ave. when she decided to stop. Yes, I'd run out of gas. It took several very scary minutes to get her back up into my driveway. By this time I was already late to work and still had to walk there (it's less than a 10 minute walk, mind you, I just didn't feel like walking up the hill again - but I did). Ryan was kind enough to take me to buy gas and bring it back to my poor car. I should really take better care of her.
In other news, my parents are now staying in Ithaca for graduation, instead of an hour away. They hate me for it, too, because their hotel is apparently ridiculously expensive, but it'll be easier for me to have them within a reasonable distance and not have to do massive coordinating to get them to things on time. I'm tempted to turn off my cell phone and let them not find me for the weekend. I don't know what it is about me and my parents and graduations, but it is clearly not a good combination. Argh.
I think I might try and go to Boston for the summer. I've never been there, but apparently it's the place to be this summer, and several different people have told me that I should spend the summer there. My goal right now is to not spend the summer in Illinois (where I'll be miserable) or Ithaca (where I've spent the last 2 summers and is sort of overdone - plus, I have no place to live from May 31 to Aug 1 - not that I have a place to live in Boston or anywhere else but Illinois, but that's beside the point). I have no idea what I'm actually going to do. I guess we'll see.
I should be doing work right now, but I'm not. I haven't done a damn thing all week. Partly because of a massive attach of insomnia this week. I've wasted so many hours just lying in bed this week it's ridiculous. I mean, I'd take just a few restful hours of sleep over what I've been getting (3 hours tops of unrestful sleep along with about 6 hours of tossing and turning - for 3 nights straight!). I have to be up late tonight, but I guess we'll see what tomorrow brings.
- Lizzardie, at 2:10 AM
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Monday, April 07, 2003
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So... I took off for the weekend. A very good decision on my part. I had a lot of fun, relaxed a lot, spent time with a friend... where I went, who I spent time with, doesn't really matter. The important thing is that what I really needed to relieve the absolutely horrible mood I'd been in, to give me my hope and energy and optimism back, was to be selfish this weekend. No AIM, my cell phone was off, I was away from Ithaca and everything it is. And it felt really good. And, despite being so so tired right now, I feel really good and refreshed and happy. There was nothing spectacular about the weekend - it consisted of some sleep, eating, seeing a movie (Phone Booth, it's pretty good, though the ending was weird and I didn't like the hookers) and watching a lot of TV. And even though I could have done those same things in Ithaca, it was the fact that I wasn't in Ithaca that made it better. I apologize to everyone in Ithaca for taking off without telling you that I was or where I was going. In hindsight, I should have left a message on the whiteboard saying I had left and would be back on Sunday. But knowing me, I would have left a message saying I would be back Sunday afternoon, which is when I planned on getting back, when instead I arrived back here at 2:30am. Anyway, my goal was not to test you all, as Vinny said, nor I am really trying to be mysterious. It's just I'd rather everyone, if they're going to think about it at all, think about how I was able to get away and get refreshed, not about where I went and why I chose that place to go. And, despite all the work I had, it all turned out okay. My paper that is due in 40 minutes is done and printed (I wrote the whole thing this morning) and I was able to get my contribution for my group project in (by email, from my undisclosed location). All while getting more than 6 hours of sleep last night, which is probably more than I deserved. So yay for me knowing exactly what I needed and not letting myself mope around for weeks and weeks. I can't stand the feeling of being ready to burst into tears at any moment, with the slightest set-off, and that feeling is gone. Good riddance! =)
- Lizzardie, at 1:59 PM
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Wednesday, April 02, 2003
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All right, the other entry was getting way too long. On to other stuff, which is mostly more complaining and sorrow....
After NERC, I realize that I need a break. A real break. I'm not talking about Spring Break or school work or any of that. Unfortunately, I need a break from my normal Phi Sigma Pi routine. Don't get me wrong - more than ever, I love the fraternity. It is still where I find my best friends and where the people I turn to when I'm upset are. But I've been putting every ounce of energy I have into PSP, and it's getting to me. Not because that's not what I want to do. But partially because I feel guilty when I can't do more than I'm doing. I feel like the little things I do to be nice might be getting kinda known and expected, so they aren't so much favors anymore, but more my job. As much as I love making sure my friends get to where they need to be, sometimes I could use the extra hour that takes up in my day. As amusing as it is that my cell phone is the "Beta Nu Hotline" number, sometimes I dread hearing it ring. I can't really adequately describe how I feel in words right now - I feel like I'm coming off as selfish and uncaring, and that's not it at all. But I need a break, to take care of myself. To get some rest and have some time to sort some other things out in my head. To not have someplace to be al the time, but instead to veg out in front of my TV. So I've told a few people that I'm taking this week off, maybe next. I thought it would work, only I don't think it is. I'm getting a daily dose of "Are you feeling any better?" and "Are you going to study hours, or are you still on a break?" etc.... So even though I know my wonderful friends mean well, it's hard. I just want for once to get the space I give everyone else. I try not to probe into people's lives unless they show signs of wanting to share. And I do so hoping to get the same courtesy back, I guess. But I know that not every person is like me, so that won't happen. I wish I knew what to do, though, to get the peace I'm so desperately looking for. I want to relax and spoil myself and concentrate more on my schoolwork out of a desire to learn and not be constantly pressured because of this test and that test, etc... I want to get my energy and optimism back, but I don't know where I'm going to find it. =/
- Lizzardie, at 5:30 PM
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I wrote this fabulous entry last week about my computer, and of course it got erased, so now you'll get the short version of it. Stupid new computer decided that part of it would break - the prong for the AC connection got pushed, so while my poor, poor Persephone was still usable, that would only last until her battery wore out. So, after backing up my files (yay for at least a fast burner) I shipped her off to the dear doctors at HP, praying for a speedy recovery and return (they say it'll be 2-3 weeks). It's been 6 days, and I'm hurting. Ahh well. The one good thing about having a roommate who basically lives at her boyfriend's is that her computer is very much available and she is very much sympathetic (yes, I cleared the borrowing with her). I do miss my laptop, though. =(
Let me give a warm welcome to Cat, one of my readers that I just found out about! =)
So... NERC. The Phi Sigma Pi Northeast Regional Conference. This thing that I've been working on tirelessly all damn semester. I can't believe it's really over. The last week was rough but most of me is really amazed that it finally came together. We finally got a scholarship speaker - we had the administrator from Namgyal Monastery come, along with a former monk, to tell us about the monastery and briefly about Buddhism. It was pretty interesting. Herb and Bolcar's presentation came together really well. And Ryan's mom did a fabulous job as our keynote speaker, talking about leadership and service. Basically she told a story about a man who never tired of helping people and was always working at at peace with himself. She talked about how we are leaders because it is the right thing to do. I probably felt the best all weekend during that speech, because it made me remember why I had worked so hard on the conference, and why we were all there in the first place. And of course, it tied in so well with what the people from Namgyal had to say and what Herb and Bolcar had to say. All of the feedback I got from people was that they had fun, we pulled it off well, and the weekend as a whole was a success. So I'm really happy for that. Even the minor setbacks during the weekend were really just that - minor, and were solved without too much complaint.
But all the same.... I did not have too much fun this weekend. I have a lot more respect for those that put the time and effort into planning something like this, because, in general, the coordinators don't get to have fun. I missed so much of the weekend because I was running around. Friday night, while ice breakers and introductions were going on, I was running around making sure we had everything we needed, then running all over the campus finding our guests who had trouble with directions (I walked all the way down a dark road that I didn't know the destination of and then walked from Noyes to Myron Taylor to find people). And I got so much less sleep than I should have, because I was trying to make appearances and get everything I needed to done. Friday night was hard - while I was up loading my car (yes, at 5:30am, before I had gotten a chance to sleep) and typing notes and writing lists of things to get done, Bolcar was asleep on my couch and Herb was asleep in my bed, which kinda made it necessary for me to stay up. Seeing someone else sleep in your bed while you have to do other things kinda sucks. Then, around 5:30am, I decided that there's was no way I was driving to the service event and using saws on no sleep. So, I finally got Herb and Bolcar up, and while they worked on their presentation in my room, I tried to grap a couple of restless hours of sleep on the couch. Yeah, good sleeping times there. Then, on Saturday, I snapped at Demetri (I so rarely snap at people anymore) about speakers. While I was frustrated by the lack of timeliness of Saturday's activities, I was less so than the rest of the NERC people and no one else seemed to notice, so that was good. I of course had to work the scavenger hunt, so didn't really get to enjoy that. And then by dinner, my apetite was gone because of the lack of sleep. I was also losing my voice by then. At the party, I let something minor really get to me, so I got completely upset, which didn't make things any better. By Sunday morning, all I wanted to do was curl into a ball and sleep for about a week, but since I couldn't, I had absolutely no patience for anything. So I'm glad everyone had fun. That's what I wanted. I just wish I could have had fun, too.
- Lizzardie, at 5:20 PM
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