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When I was younger, I was always told not to expect to have a bad time. There were many, many times when I would have to do something or go somewhere basically against my will, and I was told that if I expected to have a bad time, then I probably would. BUT, if I went in with an optimistic outlook, I might just enjoy myself. I'm incredibly stubborn, so of course most of the time I would still go in expected to have a bad time. That way, maybe when I got my wish, people would stop making me do things I didn't want to do. It never worked of course - the consequences of being the oldest in a big family is that you never get to do the things you want to do - you're always going along with someone else's ideas and you're expected be good and not fuss about it. It's just the way things were.
As I've gotten older, I've started to try and be more optimistic about things I don't want to do. I've found that, for one, I don't like having a miserable time. Trying to have fun doing something you don't want to do is better than having a miserable time doing something you don't want to do, no matter what. I've also realized that a lot of the time, when I'm dreading some event or another, it's because of my own insecurities and inhibitions. When it finally comes time for said event, it's never as awful as I've anticipated it to be, so why worry, right? It's certainly made my life a little easier to be able to go out and have fun, even if what I'm doing isn't my normal idea of fun.
So that's all well and good, right? Well, lately, I've started to wonder about my attitude towards Connecticut and this whole co-op thing. I mean, I actually went into this originally with an optimistic attitude - I was going to have a great time and learn a lot and be a better person for it. But then I realized how much I was going to miss my friends - I've made some great friends and I feel like I left in my prime, so to speak. The first few days in CT were awful - I made myself not call my friends and I think the only thing that got me through those 4 days was knowing I was going back to Ithaca that weekend. Once I got back to CT again, though, things just never looked up. I didn't know anyone, I didn't know my way around, I didn't like my job. And because it was so bad to begin with, I just didn't try to make it better. And little has changed, because I haven't done anything to change my circumstances. I keep my sanity by going to Ithaca way too much and by calculating just how long it is until I get to return for good in January. I spent 2 weekends alone in CT, and ever since then, I've spent time every weekend with friends from Cornell. And that's the way I like it. But it doesn't make Connecticut good at all.
And the saddest part is that even though I still have 2 1/2 months here and I've realized where I'm going wrong with time to change it, I probably won't do anything about it. What's the point? The next couple of weekends will be spent traveling. Then it will be Thanksgiving (though I have no plans for that - ohh, the irony). Then I'll be anticipating Christmas and going home. And then I'll be packing up and going back to Ithaca. So what's the point? That will get me through this, right? Well, yeah, it will - but it's pretty sad that this is how I'm living my life. I'm making the best of my surroundings, sure, but making the best has meant leaving as much as possible. While I don't mind the endless driving, it's no way to live.
- Lizzardie, at 2:38 PM
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