Words of Lizzardie




Monday, February 24, 2003

All right... Rachel says I need to have an emotional breakdown to transfix my faithful readers. Well, I don't know if doing so is worth the pain and suffering it would cause me just to appear interesting. But maybe I should use this for the bitchfest I need to have in order to keep my sanity.

In general, I TRY to be a generous person. Sometimes, I admit, I'm not, because, well, I'm not perfect. Perfectionism is hard to come by (read: impossible) and I learned how much energy it can suck from you many years ago. But I do my best. I don't know how it is that it ends up backfiring on me. Often.

So, the story is that I lent a friend a decent sum of money back in December with a promise that I would get payed back in a timely fashion. True to his word, I had a check from him in 2 days. Problem is that in early January, I learned that said check bounced (not really his fault, not worth going into) in early January. After I'd used the money in my account to pay all of my bills. I was waiting for a disaster, since if everything cleared in the wrong order I could have ended up with a whole lot of overdraft/bounced check fees. But it seems that luck was on my side and everything cleared before the check in question was debited from my account, so I was only charged a small sum. My friend agreed to pay that, and all was well. I was presented with my money, including the fees, as soon as I returned to Ithaca. I thought the story was over, with a mildly happy ending.

Until today, of course. My mom finally got around to forwarding my mail, when it was convenient for her. In it, I find a notice from my bank that a check caused an overdraft and I was getting charged a fee (this is from way back in January). I'm very confused because I had gotten a mini-statement that everything cleared prior to the bouncing check being debited, and of course I'm missing my January statement so I can't verify that. To top it off, the same notice informed me that I had 5 days to make my balance non-negative before I was charged a daily $5 overdraft fee. This notice was dated January 10. It is now February 24. Those of you who are mildly good at arithmetic can imagine how much I've gotten charged to date.

Now part of this is my fault. I actually left with a negative balance, planning on sending a check in the mail to clear it up when I had the money. I had no idea that I would get those overdraft fees. Part of it is my friend's fault, too, because even if I had cleared up the negative balance before I left, I didn't know about the extra fee from the check causing an overdraft because I thought that hadn't happened, so it wouldn't have mattered because I still would have been charged all of these overdraft fees.

None of this matters, really, and I don't know why I went into it. I'm just so furious with myself and am now wondering why it is that I continue to put others before myself when it just causes me misery. Time and time again. The frat does this Purple Pencil Award thing, where someone can nominate you for an award for doing something nice. I got one about a week ago that was mostly for everything I had ever done. Someone anonymously wrote a big long paragraph about how great I am, including that I'm willing to give up my time, my sleep, my money, my car, whatever to help people. And while I was momentarily happy to have such nice things said about me (more was said that just that) I later got really upset. At that point, I couldn't figure out why, other than that I didn't think I could possibly deserve such nice things to be said about me. But now I don't think it's that. I think it's more that it actually is hurtful to ME that I do all these things for people. By putting myself last, I'm bringing more pain onto myself, and I can't figure out why I do this. Of course, I love helping out my friends, but there should be a balance, right? Yet I think it's not so much about helping other people sometimes but more selfish reasons that I do nice things. I think it has to do with insecurities that I have and I think that somehow, by constantly giving away everything I have to give away - time, energy, money, miles - people might like me more and I won't feel so damn lonely. And I think I got upset (and I'm so upset today) because it doesn't work. Yet I continue to think it will. But instead, I get more and more hurt everyday. And not just financially - that's just what happened today. Even though I give everything I have, I feel like I'm not giving enough because something is still missing. And I can't find it. And I wonder what I'm trying for, because I don't even know what I'm looking for.

And as always, I'm sure I didn't make any sense at all. And of course, dammit, my optimism keeps telling me that things are not as bad as all that. That I'm such a lucky person for the health and happiness of my family and friends. That I'm loved and have food on my table and a warm bed to sleep in every night. That I'm going to graduate school next year. And that even though I just found out that I lost a lot of money, it won't kill me and I'll get over it and tomorrow, like always, I'll wake up and barely remember why I was so upset today because in my sleep I'll have separated myself from all those emotions. Yeah, lucky me.

- Lizzardie, at 5:27 PM Post Link


Sunday, February 23, 2003

I'm wondering if anyone even reads this anymore. I'm beginning to think no. And sadly, I don't even write anything interesting in here anyways anymore for fear that it will backfire against me (yeah, it's still clear in my mind that something like that has happened before). So what's the point?

So for my Weekend Update (watching SNL right now, so the reference was necessary). My days are starting to become more full, which is good. There was hockey the past two nights, Trivial Pursuit at the Coffee House (which Demetri and I won on a FOOTBALL question) and the Chili Cookoff this afternoon. I love the Chili Cookoff. It's so much more fun when you're not hungover! Lots of chili and wine tasting! I bought a bottle of hard apple cider, too. Though I lost a glove. And I hate On-Site (the volunteer organizer people) more and more every time we do work with them. Blah. Chris Libby is in town this weekend, too, and it's good to see my Big!He was in our section for the hockey game tonight, which was great! Yay!

In other news, I've become more and more of a senior slacker now that I have plans for next year. I should try and find plans for the summer. Otherwise I'm going home. I should also try and find housing for next year. Then my senior slackerness can be complete. Woohoo!

- Lizzardie, at 12:34 AM Post Link


Thursday, February 20, 2003

Today I've been mad productive. I mean, I don't think I've had this productive of a day when it's been OPTIONAL (i.e., when you have a HUGE project you get done in 3 days because of a deadline, I do not call that productive). I managed to take a prelim, then skip the rest of my classes (okay, maybe that part wasn't so good).... then this afternoon I printed up lecture notes and did one problem set. This evening I did a section exercise, another problem set and organized a lab notebook. I also managed to watch the West Wing, which of course was excellent. So after all of my fun fun work (none of which is due until Friday), I decided that midnight was the perfect time to clean my apartment. Not just an "I'll do the dishes for once" clean. I did do the dishes, and picked up the living room and my room and whatnot. But then I cleaned the bathroom. I probably could have stopped there, but no.... I moved on to sweeping the entire apartment - kitchen, bathroom, breakfast nook, hallway, living room, my room.... AND THEN I MOPPED. Crazy. To top it off, I decided that our shower curtain needed a good cleaning, so I soaked it in the tub with bleach. Still waiting for the tub to drain so that I can rinse it and hang it up and admire my work. After that, I'm going to shower and crash. And I'll still get 8 hours of sleep. And tomorrow I get to have fun! Well, after work and whatnot. Wow - how good it feels to be productive. I imagine I will not have a day like this again any time soon. Well, one is better than none, of course! =)

- Lizzardie, at 2:21 AM Post Link


Thursday, February 13, 2003

This is going to be a brief post, since my life is dull, but I do have a bit of news.... :-D I found out yesterday that I got into the Master of Engineering program in Operations Research here at Cornell. Yay! I'm really excited because now I have an option for next semester (especially because the job market sucks so much) and this is what I want to do anyway. I can't believe I want to stay in Ithaca, but I do! And Demetri is still looking for housing, so I'll probably try and get housing with him, which will be good. Here's to my future not being a complete blank slate!

- Lizzardie, at 5:08 PM Post Link


Wednesday, February 12, 2003

So I have a few minutes and thought I would offer a brief little update. Not much exciting in the world of Liz, surprise surprise. Friday, for those of you who don't know, is Valentine's Day. Having never had a significant other on this most romantic of holidays, I stopped caring about it long ago. Just another day. A good excuse to spend time with the single friends. Looking forward to it as much as I look forward to any normal Friday. That's the way it should be.

Yeah, so I'm trying to think of other interesting news but I have none. A whole lot of boredom has been the pattern. 4 classes, 13 credits.... my workload has seriously decreased this semester. I need a new hobby. Ones that have been suggested to me are drinking, smoking and attachment free sex. If you have better suggestions (because I'd surely like some, as I don't think these pass as acceptable hobbies) please let me know. I still stay up way too late, though, especially since I don't have to be anywhere until it's either afternoon or nearly that. And I of course still skip classes, even though there's probably no need for that. What a life.

Since today is Wednesday, I'm looking forward to an hour of the West Wing... that should be the highlight of my day. Ohh yeah, there's some rush stuff going on for the frat, so that should be good. I wish I had more interesting things to say, but I guess I can just give you a few quotes....

From Saturday night up in Syracuse:
Me: "You notice how I'm sometimes the only girl when we hang out?"
Will: "That's pretty much all the time."
Me: "I don't understand why that happens."
Will: "You must really like cock."

From last night, in the Art Gallery:
Adam: "I don't really understand the line between feminist art and porn."

Gotta love my friends....

- Lizzardie, at 5:03 PM Post Link


Wednesday, February 05, 2003

This was cute, so I'm posting it:

Tre K Dan III: lizard's are cold blooded creatures
Auto response from Lizzardie: I can't decide if I prefer when it's too warm in here or when it's too cold.... currently burrowed under lots of blankets....
Tre K Dan III: so i would deduce that lizzardie's are the same, and would probably prefer it when it's too warm
Tre K Dan III: ;-)

Thanks, Dan! If my room didn't keep changing temperatures by ohh, I don't know, 20 degrees or so I wouldn't be asking this question! Make up your damn mind, and choose a temperature that's reasonable, not an extreme in one end or the other!

- Lizzardie, at 2:23 PM Post Link


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