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Okay, I need to put an end to the moodswings. It's really got to stop, because I'm going crazy. One minute, I'm incredibly depressed, convinced my life has fallen apart and that I'll never be able to put the pieces back together; the next, I feel like it will all be okay because I have been blessed with so many things that I am thankful for and I have the future to look forward to. At this moment, I'm hovering at the bottom of this vicious cycle.
What worries me the most is that I've been here before. I've seen all of this before and if things continue as they are, it's only going to get worse. I feel like I'm destined to repeat my mistakes, only because everything is set up exactly the way it was before. You see, the similarities between my junior year of high school and my junior year of college are strikingly remarkable. Each starts out after the best summer of my life to date (that summer was then, this summer is now). Each starts with my closest friend(s) in a different place then me (then: my best friend switched schools; now: I'm in Connecticut, away from my school). In both cases, I've had to deal with a relative sick and surgery (then: my grandfather had open heart surgery; now: my aunt just underwent surgery as a result of breast cancer). Heartache has been in my life in both situations and progressed in about the same way (I don't want to explain that right now). And in both cases, there is/was a friend that I was growing apart from, both because of differences in lifestyles and personalities and because I don't have the courage to say what needs to be said (I'm also not going to go into this).
Now, you may all be going, is Liz on crack? Well, no, I'm not. Normally this wouldn't bother me so much, but let me explain what happened 4 years ago so that you understand why I'm so worried. You see, back then, I somehow got it into my head that I shouldn't talk about my problems with my friends because they all seemed so happy - I didn't want to bring them down, I didn't think that anyone would understand. I was also hoping that they would look at me and say, hey, I think there's something wrong with Liz. The only thing was that at the same time, I was doing everything I possibly could to hide it. The internal struggle became so bad that by the end of December/beginning of January, I was really really sad and depressed. I used to sit in my room with the lights off, candles going, writing poetry. And you all should know that I only write poetry in very extreme situations. Usually I'm not creative enough. It was really, really a bad time in my life, and I really don't want to go back there.
Yet I'm doing some of the same things. I'm away from all my friends, so I don't want to burden them by calling or IMing all the time - they are busy people. I'm keeping to myself a lot, in my free time. And there's so much on my mind, so many things that I want to get out in the open, yet I put on a happy face every time I go to Ithaca, trying to have as good of a time as possible, yet hoping that someone, anyone, will realize that something just isn't quite right.
I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, or who to say it to. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster, headed straight for a brick wall. Things cannot continue this way, but I'm not sure which direction I should take. I knew I was getting myself into trouble with this - why did I let it happen? Why did I bring myself back to this horrible, horrible place? When and how do I get to leave?
- Lizzardie, at 8:53 AM
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