Words of Lizzardie




Monday, October 25, 2004

Okay, so at this moment (or really, all of today), I think that maybe I did make things worse. I had thought it wasn't possible, but now I realize that yes, things were able to go more wrong than they were before. Someone shoot me.

- Lizzardie, at 3:16 PM Post Link


Sunday, October 24, 2004

As of today, October 24th, this page will exist at http://lizzardie.blogspot.com. At that time, the rest of my page won't exist at all. This will only be temporary, until I can find another hosting option.

- Lizzardie, at 12:00 AM Post Link


Saturday, October 23, 2004

I'm watching Before Sunrise, which I think is a great movie. It was part of a recent Barnes and Noble purchase, to get the total at $25, for free shipping. I got Jon Stewart's America, which is proving to be pretty funny, though 3 chapters. It's written in textbook format, which I'm enjoying. I also got a free copy of the Constitution (bound, no joke, complete with the Declaration of Independence and The Articles of Confederation). It was a fun shipment. And Ethan Hawke is gorgeous in this movie.

While I was driving home last night, I realized how much I love and hate fall. The world seems to be slowly down, slowly dying, with the leaves turning colors and drying up, eventually falling down and decaying. The air becomes crisper and there's this sense of peace and calm and a little less hurrying around. This continues until winter, when the world seems to stop with the first snow. I remember about two years ago, watching the snow fall outside, wishing the moment could go on forever and ever. It was beautiful and magical. Fall and the start of winter make me feel calm and at peace. This continues until January/February, when the world starts to rage with anger - wind and wet snow and biting cold. When that ends, everyone comes out of hiding and starts to grow and come to life again. We all hurry up in this effort to regain this manic happiness that we lost months before. And so it goes, until next fall, when things start to age and die again in the fall.

But also, it's a terrible time for me. Because of the slowdown, I have more time to think and get lost in my thoughts, which ultimately brings depression and sadness. I am definitely one of those people gets lonely in crowds, and I wish I was less lonely when I'm by myself. It's this neverending circle for me, of wanting to fill my life up with action so that I don't have time to think, but getting lost in that to the point that I have to be away from people, only to then feel the same loneliness on my own. All this action and perserverance, only to STILL not know what makes me happy. I love Boston and I'm not happy. I really like my job and I'm not happy. I like my apartment and my friends and my roommates. And I'm still not happy.

But whatever. Today will be spent finishing this movie and then going to Karen's to watch Game 1 of the World Series. Tomorrow I will go to the Museum of Science to see the LOTR exhibit (tomorrow's the last day) and then to Kate and Alex's to see Game 2 of the World Series. At some point, maybe I'll write my statement for the Alumni Advisor election (because I can't get enough of PSP, it seems, even from far away). And then it'll be Monday again, and I won't have time to think as much. Round and round we go.

- Lizzardie, at 3:28 PM Post Link


Friday, October 22, 2004

I sent an email yesterday. I think half of me instantly regretted it (still does) but only time will tell if it was a sound decision.

Today is going to be a long day at work, hence the urge to write right now. At least it's Friday. Now if only I could force myself out of bed! :-)

- Lizzardie, at 7:49 AM Post Link


Wednesday, October 20, 2004

It's 9-3 Red Sox in the top of the 8th.... just a little longer.... I swear, I think baseball is sooooo boring yet I've been watching I have no idea how much of it. No matter what happens (and I'm not counting my ducks or chickens or whatever yet - I'm a Cubs fan first, and an adopted Red Sox fan second, and, well, we know both of their histories of choking), at least there's no game tomorrow night! Maybe I'll go to bed after The Apprentice.

In other TV news, The West Wing premier was tonight, and I did interrupt my baseball watching to watch that, given I've been waiting since May for it. Donna didn't die, as I've been saying all along, so ha! But I did notice that the show doesn't seem to move as fast as before, which means I thought it was moving slower. Maybe it's because I don't have anything else to be crunching my brain on, or because of all of the extra news I've been reading lately, which makes me more comfortable with current events. Or it could be that the show is starting to suck a little (boo), which I think might be the more likely case.

I also bought my ticket to the LOTR exhibition at the Museum of Science. It's the whole reason that I bought a membership, and now I have a ticket for that exhibition for Sunday afternoon, with Sunday being the closing day. Yeah, I'm cutting it close there, but at least I'm making it. I'm trying to get out more, to more things, enjoying my new city a little more. Not that I don't think I appreciate it. But I want to take full advantage of Boston while I can (i.e., before it gets too cold for me to want to leave the apartment).

Speaking of cold, we turned on the heat! Not that high, but still, the couple of degrees in the evenings makes such a HUGE difference. I'm much happier. And yay for my electric blanket, which also makes me happy. I wish we had a fireplace now.

I have stuff on my mind lately, and I'm debating on taking action. I'm just not sure what I want, though, and what is going to come of it. I also had a related post in my head on Friday, I think, but then I was talking to Helen for the first time in awhile, and I decided I didn't need to make the post, but now I wish I had, because I knew it was a revelation, and I forget what it was. Also had a pretty interesting conversation yesterday, which kind of echoed things I've been thinking for a long time, which makes me hesitant to do something. In the end, once I get some courage and have taken a few (figurative) deep breaths, I'm sure what I (right now) think is the right thing to do, but I still need some extra time.



- Lizzardie, at 11:16 PM Post Link


Wednesday, October 13, 2004

I am watching the debate and ready to fall asleep, but I thought I'd update anyway.

First off, Cornell is deleting my access to everything, which means I'm going to have to find a new place to host my site. Stay tuned for details.

Otherwise, things are going swimmingly here, for the most part. I've had two very very good weekends. A week and a half ago, I went to Ithaca to cause mischief I MEAN see my friends. :-) I bought Finger Lakes wine and Yuengling, of course. I also visited the hockey line, had dinner with Bolcar and some other people, and helped initiate changing the Fall-themed Rush Party into Oktoberfest. We had Beck's and Yeungling and kielbasa. It was good to see everyone, including Will, who flew out from California, and Goo, who flew out from Colorado. Plus, I got to stay in the house! It's looking really really great. Ask me sometime about the couch that came in through the window. :-D

Then this past weekend, a whole bunch of people came to Boston! Dan, Rob, Dana and Eric came from Ithaca, Li from Connecticut, Anthony from Syracuse and Alexis from Chicago were all here. Karen and I, with a little help from Susan, arranged for some fun sight-seeing, including the Museum of Science and drinks at Redline and the entire Freedom Trail. By the end of the weekend, I was exhausted but it was so good to see friends, and it was nice to enjoy my newly adopted city. :-)

Otherwise, I've been doing a lot of thinking. I mean, a lot of thinking. The thing is, I realize that my life has moved and changed really fast in the last several months. A lot of that is a good thing, but it's made me feel a little out of control at times. Some things changed in ways that I did not want them to. And now that life has slowed down a little, I'm trying to figure out what it is that I do want and how to get it. And to be honest, I don't yet have the answer to that. But I do know that I'm thinking about things now that previously I had merely taken at face value.

And so my first conclusion is this.... had I listened more and put in more of an effort to talk to certain friends and not through them or past them, things might have turned out differently. It's funny how much listening can change things. You can debate with yourself and consider all of the options you can think of all you want. But until you hear another side, until you actually take the time to HEAR someone instead of dismissing them, how can you actually know with conviction in your heart that YOU are RIGHT and everyone else is WRONG? I look back at conversations I've had in the past few months, and I see this huge problem, where both parties were so certain that s/he was the one who was right that no thoughts of "maybe it's important for me to listen to this" never entered into the minds of those involved. I am not immuned from this, that is for sure. If I could go back I would, which is a strange thing for me to say, given that I try not to live with regret. Because if I could do it all over again, instead of letting my emotions rule my thoughts I would try just a little harder to remember that one of the true tests of friendship is being a good friend even when you're mad.

This is not something that is new this summer, though. It's like I try to hurt my friends when I'm angry and hurt. I want them to feel the way that I do, except that never, ever makes things better. It inevitably makes things worse. Many, many years hasn't changed a damn thing for me, and that's unfortunate. And I wonder why I transition out old friends and bring in new friends every couple of years. I wonder why I don't trust people, I wonder why I never feel close to people.

One of these days, maybe, just maybe, I'll gain control of my emotions and be able to live a functional life.

- Lizzardie, at 9:16 PM Post Link


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