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Tuesday, September 28, 2004
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Great news! One of the people at work gave his notice. Off course, that's not good news, in theory. He and his wife are going back to Hungary, and he's got a great position there, so everyone thinks it's the best decision for him. But I get to take his job! I'll be doing more analysis, and generally transitioning over to that area (professional services). At first it sounded like I would pick up more work there, but keep my other responsibilities. But as the day progressed, I realized I will probably be entirely switching roles. I'm really excited about the opportunity, and it means things are moving faster in the direction I want them to than I thought they would.
Of course, this blog/journal/whatever is one of the first people/things I'm telling. I told someone online today, as kind of a conversation filler, but I didn't call anyone in excitement. I wish I had someone I could do that, too. Ahh well. Let's not dwell on things we don't have, right?
- Lizzardie, at 9:13 PM
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Sunday, September 26, 2004
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Let's try for a more coherent entry tonight, shall we?
Friday night there was Poker (with a capital P). Ian, Karen, Herb, Jeff and Kristen all came over to play. For the most part, it was fun, though there was a lot of spilled drinks and broken glass. I came out exactly even, if you don't count the glasses and the alcohol we went through. Such is the responsibility of hosting an event. It was nice to play, because I haven't in awhile.
As for the rest of the weekend... I wanted to go apple picking, but I couldn't find anyone to go with, and therefore had no motivation to actually get up and go. So no apple picking. I might not get to go this season (again) but I live in the Northeast now, and it's not as exciting anymore. Besides, I was able to go to the grocery store, buy apples and make apple crisp. Plus there are more apples to make an apple pie. And that's what I really wanted. Ohh, I should buy some cider! Then it will really feel like fall!
Next weekend, I'm going to Ithaca. It'll be my first time back in, well, exactly 4 months. Yikes. It'll be nice to see everyone, including Will and Chris Harig, who are both flying in for the weekend from their respective West Coast residences (California and Colorado). I hope the Upstate New York alumni come down, too, since there's going to be a big rush party and it's Initation weekend (yay). I'm looking forward to seeing everyone and generally forgetting that I'm adult for a little while. I'll probably be tired and hungover when I get back, but such is life.
That's all, really. Outside of my emotional rants, everything is pretty calm here. I go to work, come home, watch TV, cheer on my Chicago and Boston sports teams (Go Cubs, Red Sox, Bears and Patriots!), occasionally see my friends, chat online when I feel like it/have the time and sleep. Wahoo. There's cooking involved as well, and as always, wine. Yum.
I'll be going to be going to bed soon.
- Lizzardie, at 10:36 PM
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It's 2:30am and I really shouldn't be up. I stayed up late last night, and was tired all day. What good is the weekend if you can't catch up on sleep? But I think I'm up because this is one of my favorite times of the day (night, really). This is when, if you're talking to someone, the most important talking occurs... it never happens when you're well-rested - that would be too easy. No, instead, it happens when you're forcing your eyes to stay open. When you hang onto every word, not just because it's important, but because if you don't, you'll probably fall asleep. When there's this constant thought running through your mind of, I hope I remember all of this in the morning. Everyone always seemed to wonder why I subjected myself to that sort of thing, that sort of half-awake, seemingly meaningless conversation. I guess that's my fault, because I led you all to believe that it drove me crazy. And it did, a little, but I really loved it all the same. That's how I am, of course. I complain endlessly about the things I love, and I don't know why. It must be hard to be on the outside, trying to separate what I love and what I really don't. That is, if anyone cares enough to do that. Somedays, like today, I feel that isn't the case.
I miss those late nights the most. So maybe I'm up now, hoping without actual hope that tonight could be one of them. These days, I just want to turn back time, because I'm not really sure when it became so much more complicated. Five months ago, I thought my life was falling apart. Little did I realize that I would get everything that I wanted in that moment (well, okay, not everything, but everything I was willing to admit I wanted), but the cost would be that I would actually tear my life apart. I wonder a lot about how much of this is my fault. I wonder how, despite not thinking of a single thing that is really wrong with my life right now, how everything got so much more complicated in such a short span of time.
So now I'm trying to convince myself that this is for the best. Of course I always do that, but it's hard not to default to that when I've been telling myself for so long that I would be better off if things were like this. But my goodness, are they really? I mean, am I really any happier now? Will I ever actually be happy? And by happy, I mean other than these crazy bursts of bliss and contentment I get that are so fleeting.
My mind just turned to high expectations. My expectations are now zero. I thought this was better. Then it occurred to me all of those times that I set my expectations as low as they could go, and I was astounded by how much someone thought of me. How much they actually cared. I wonder if I'm going to have that moment again. Because to be honest, I thought it wasn't fair of me, to think so low. So I started having higher expectations. I think that's a true sign of friendship, when you actually start to believe and sometimes even know that someone will come through for you. And I guess it was right around that time that I stopped being "pleasantly surprised." So maybe my concept of friendship is totally out of sync and unrealistic.
I think I might have figured it out this time. If I could just talk through all of this, I think what I want and what I've been feeling may actually have somehow gotten sorted out in my mind. Why I do the things I do, why I think the way I think.... well, in some situations. But no one is there to listen now, it seems, so I don't think it'll ever get done.
I keep acting like I've put all of my eggs in one basket, when I get constant reminders that it isn't that case at all. Why does the one aspect of my life that's slipping away have to be the only one I seem to really care about these days?
The critics were right... I wasn't ready for it.
- Lizzardie, at 2:38 AM
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Wednesday, September 22, 2004
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So the strangest thing has happened to me. And this is going to sound really crazy. I've found that if I go to bed at 11:00pm, and then get up around 7:00am, not only can I get up, but I'm not tired and I'm not ready to collapse mid-day. This whole "rested" thing is very new to me (as in, I can't remember EVER being on this regular of a sleep schedule). I've also lost my ability to stay up until all hours, and I get up early even on the weekends. Being an adult sucks.
In other news, everything is okay. Minor tiff with the roommates yesterday, but hopefully it'll be okay. As long as they are willing to turn on the heat when it's cold outside, I can deal. Some mis-communication happened, though, as in normal with me.
I've spent a lot of time on the phone yelling at people lately. Moving sucks, because of all of the stuff you have to do. This time ended up being harder than any other time, because I'm switching my residency. It looks like I'll need to get a Massachusetts driver's license soon, but give me some more time! And don't overcharge me, and process my forms, and don't take money out of an account I told you not to touch anymore. Yikes. It sucks that I do a lot of customer service stuff, because I really have begun to hate the people who do that.
I made dinner on Saturday. Kristen couldn't make it, so it was just Susan and I. Sirloin steak on the broiler, wild rice and cucumber salad, with dark chocolate mousse in chocolate cups for dessert. And of course the wonderful Rioja (Susan picked a good one). It was yummy. I feel like I'm actually figuring out this cooking thing.
Sunday I hung out with Ian and Karen. We stood in front of a grocery store for awhile before going to Ben & Jerry's in Harvard Square, standing in front of the grocery store some more, going inside the grocery store, and eventually buying things to make dinner and cooking at my place. It was nice to see Ian (Karen, too, but she lives near me) and it was fun as always to hang out with them. There may be poker tomorrow, but time will tell.
I've been talking politics with my friends a lot. It's funny, because normally I'm not into it and I still hate political parties (registered Independent, woohoo!). But I guess this is the year for everyone to get involved. I sure do read a lot about what's going on. I've pretty much decided to vote for Kerry, I think, but that doesn't change the fact that I hate the Bush-haters (helpful, huh?). I think it accomplishes nothing. Though in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter, because I live in Massachusetts now, one of the most liberal states there is. And I get Kerry representing me either way - as a Senator or a President - for the next four years. I'm not sure what I'm going to be reading in the news after the election, though. Time will tell, of course.
It is past my 11:00pm bedtime, and I have updated, like a good blogger. I'm not a good blogger anymore, what the hell am I talking about. Anyway, bedtime for me, probably a long and tiring day at work tomorrow, and hopefully apple picking and then apple pie and apple crisp this weekend! And maybe poker? I miss poker.... :-(
- Lizzardie, at 11:11 PM
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Sunday, September 12, 2004
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I know I haven't updated in forever. I did move, after all, which included, along with a ton of stress, not having internet (except at work) for about 5 days. Surprisingly, I was okay with that, particularly because it included a long three-day weekend. I did paint the trim and doors in my new room, though, have sporadic bursts of wireless activity, and, well, a lot of Alias DVDs to keep me company.
So maybe I should start with the new apartment, which I love. For those of you who know my general area, I live somewhere between Porter and Davis Squares (everything is a square here). This means I'm still close to grocery stores and liquor stores and bars and shopping and fun stuff, along with the T, which gets me into Boston. I am in fact closer to the T now than where I was before, which is definitely awesome.
My new roommates are great - we all have separate lives, of course, and it has felt a little awkward at times because they know each other much better than they know me (they went to college together) but they are a lot of fun. We've all been setting up the apartment together and it feels like we're doing everything we can to make it a home for all of us.
My room is pretty cool. Our whole apartment is on the first floor of a three-floor house, except for my room, which is on the second floor. This means the stairs lead directly into my room. This is a little awkward in the middle of the night, but does give me extra privacy. The landlord wouldn't let me paint the room (apparently I'm supposed to think the off-white is beautiful) but he did let me paint the trim and doors white, from their awful brown color. The plan is to put fabric on my walls, as soon as I can afford it, since I think it's going to be expensive. There will also be picture frames and furniture to paint, once everything starts coming together. Ohh, and I'll need to buy a bed and all of that stuff that it needs (Jeff is lending me his futon right now).
The worst part about my new apartment is that my commute is longer and generally a nightmare. I have to drive through Harvard Square every morning and every evening. 'Nuff said.
Other things... they're good. I was a little worried about work for awhile, but I think it's going to get better. Kristen, Susan and I are trying to start this thing where we get together one night each week at a rotating apartment and cook dinner. So for example, this past Friday, Kristen and I went over to Susan's for dinner. Kristen brough the wine (Reisling). This week, we're having dinner at my place and Susan's bringing the wine. Since Susan doesn't know much about wine, I get to tell her what to bring. I'm thinking I'll design the meal around a Spanish Rioja.
Other things are good, too. Harvard Square is still within walking distance, so I meandered down there yesterday. I found some really cool stationary/paper stores - I'm going to have to watch myself. :-) Plus, I bought wine AND clothes yesterday, which is just about as much as I could hope for.
Still, some things are not right. As much as I love Boston, it's not what I expected it to be. At least some things. And I'm having difficulty maintaining some of my friendships, which is a great strain on me. I seem to almost "throw away" my closest friends and start anew every few years. But I don't know why, given that it's one of the most awful experiences I go through, and I don't want to do it again. So half of my days are filled with anger and resentment, wishing to never see someone again. And other days are filled with regret and sadness, wondering what I'm going to have to do to restore something that's so important to me. This wasn't what it was supposed to be like. And I'm trying to focus on what's good and positive in my life, but I'm still so sad. I have everything that I wanted for now, except none of it turned out the way I wanted it to. Be careful what you wished for, right? And something tells me that this is what I've ACTUALLY been wishing for all of this time, but I never meant it to actually happen. I kept saying it was what's best for me, but that can't be, because it hasn't made anything better. In some ways, it's worse. And maybe I'll move on and start anew, just like I always seem to do (for someone who doesn't make friends that easily, I sure am willing to get rid of them, what's wrong with me), but I think I'll always know that this wasn't what I wanted at all.
Despite the early hour, I want to get some sleep. I'm not as invisible with the sleep as I used to be.
- Lizzardie, at 10:26 PM
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