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So I'm sitting in Accel (read: Carpenter Library computer lab, how fun) running models. It's ridiculously tedious, but I do need all the data, and unfortunately each program (I'm running a lot) takes about 12-15 minutes to run. And I can only run one at a time, so even though I've got 2 computers going, it's not going so fast. Blah.
At least I have time to think. Or not. The things I want to think about.... well, it turns out that I do not want to think about them. At all. It makes me think that I want a new life and if I got to decide how it would be, it would be perfect. Of course I know that isn't actually true, but I can pretend can't I? Maybe not.
Impersonations party was kinda fun. It was amusing to see everyone dressed up as someone else, and I think most people had fun, but people who were not there may have been a little offended. I've heard of at least a couple who were. It's unfortunate that those tensions exist.
I'm wondering if I should distance myself from the fraternity. I have pseudo-littles, I go to chapter meetings, I let my opinion be known about EVERYTHING - I even got a Purple Pencil Award on Sunday (and I thought only Active members could get those - and that's how it should be! or at least I shouldn't get one). There are a lot of problems, though, and unfortunately, everyone seems to be too full of themselves or not dedicated enough to fix them. For anyone reading this and thinking it's directed at them, well, you're probably right. And if you're a bit offended, well, I don't care. I know it sounds harsh but the fraternity was not built by people who got upset with every bit of criticism as seems to be happening now. And I want to be a resource to everyone - to let my knowledge and experience get used, but how many times can I keep saying the same things over and over again? Especially when it's clear that ideas are not getting thought through very well. I'm frustrated by a combined desire to do good, and to not sit idly when I know that things can be better, and a feeling of hopelessness because things do not seem to be improving. I don't know what to do.
My problems probably sound petty to everyone else. Maybe that's good for me, I don't know. But life is still stressful and I really should be dedicating more energy into my schoolwork. Maybe that will happen soon. I don't know.
- Lizzardie, at 6:25 PM
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