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All right... so here it is... the reason that for the last I have no idea how many days and months I've been so unhappy and disconnected from the rest of civilization (well, my friends at least) is this... the thing that I want most in this world right now I cannot have. There. I said it.
I know, I know - I should move on right? Just let it go. Why do you think that I haven't told you all what the deal is? I know what you'd say. But what do I do with this dilemna... I can think of only one way that I might be able to move on and let it all go, but it would probably involve hurting someone I care a whole lot about. I just cannot bring myself to do that. I think in the end it would create more problems for me than it would solve. So I suffer. Night after night and day after day, wondering what the hell my problem is, fixating myself on this one beacon of happiness entirely out of my reach. And you know what? I don't even know that it would MAKE me happy. But I know not having it is making me entirely unhappy and miserable.
When I was in high school, Rachel and I had this thing that we talked about a few times.... where we would rather know the truth, even if it was upsetting, than be blissfully ignorant. We felt that it was just a better way to live that way. Or something like that. The only clear time I remember us talking about it (though it was definitely more than this) was when she reminded me of it right before she told me that the guy who was my first boyfriend and my first kiss was now dating some other girl. So now it's 6 years later (I can't believe I still remember all of this). I now know a whole lot more than I did then. In fact, a lot of the time, I'm pretty damn good at figuring out what's going on around me without being told (and without explicitly seeing it). You might say that I crave this sort of knowledge. Or not, whatever. And you know what? I don't know that I still feel the same way about blissful ignorance. There are a lot of things right now that I wish I could forget entirely about. Of course I cannot do that, and my good nature or determined spirit or conscience, whatever you want to call it, will not allow me to just walk away and pretend I'm not seeing what I'm seeing. But I'm tired of doing the right thing. Or maybe it's just what I think is the right thing, and that's my real problem. Whatever it is, though, it just keeps coming back to the same problem.... I'm hurting myself again and again every single day, and I do not know if I can continue living like this. At least I know I do not want to. I need change.
- Lizzardie, at 3:42 AM
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