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Put whatever MP3 player you use on shuffle. Play 10 songs. Post a list of the 10 songs it played.
1. "Ballad of a Thin Man," Bob Dylan and The Band
2. "Bound for the Floor," Local H
3. "Closer," Nine Inch Nails
4. "Amazing Grace," Ani DiFranco
5. "Daughter," Pearl Jam
6. "Karma Cameleon," Cayuga's Waiters
7. "I Want to Hold Your Hand," The Beatles
8. "Rockafella Skank," Fatboy Slim
9. "Shy," Ani DiFranco
10. "Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)," Baz Luhrman
Please keep in mind that I've been building my MP3 collection for 4.5 years now. This includes the Napster days. What a strange collection it is.
I forgot to mention Christmas presents. I don't want to brag too much, but I got a few nice things. I got a digital camera and speakers and a subwoofer from Santa Claus, clothes from my parents, money from various relatives and my grandmother made me a scarf, which was one of 3 scarves I got. I'm having fun with the digital camera - I set up rows of pennies tonight and took a picture of it to use as a desktop background. Weird, maybe. I also took a picture of the keys of my laptop last week for the same purpose. As for the speakers - music sounds much nicer, so now I sorta have a stereo. But my AIM and email sounds have become really funny with the addition of bass. Ahh well.
I've been in a pretty shitty mood since I got back to Ithaca. I guess it's probably a combination of a few things. None of my friends are back, including my roommates. I don't even have money to buy food this week. Supposedly I'm getting a stipend check on Thursday, so let's keep praying for that. The check engine light is on in my car. Wheee. I've been working on my project, which is both tedious in that the 1 computer the 5 of us have to work on is slow as molasses (not good for 200 MB files - it takes 10 minutes to open an 85 MB text file, and that's about the simplest operation we have to do) and my group annoys the hell out of me. I'll be honest. I don't really like any of them (though I don't necessarily hate them), I don't want to be friends with them, I don't want to joke around with them. I just want to work on the project and do work that I enjoy. Instead they make it this excruciating process for me. I kicked ass in Connect 4 today, because someone brought it in, and I didn't even want to play. I keep going over to the couch in the lounge and lying down for pockets of time, because there's nothing better for me to do. Argh.
I've been trying to look forward to going to Boston this weekend for Herb's birthday, but it's been hard. Probably partly because he's annoying the hell out of me with the things he's asking me to do for him this week, but for anyone who knows our "work relationship," this is not unusual. And it's only Tuesday, anyways. Also because I'm just... sad. This was one of those nights where I really wanted to talk to someone and couldn't think of a single person I could call that I felt comfortable talking to. I tried pampering myself by giving myself somewhat of a facial (with what I found to be edible cleanser), but I doubt the tears later helped. So I've been doing some cleaning, but that of course doesn't really make me feel happy. I'm just really miserable. I feel so very alone. And I'm pretty sure that it's one of those moods where I'm likely to pick a fight with anyone who tried to talk to me, because it's like I want to prove that I'm legitimate in feeling the way I feel. Everyone I know will tell me I'm not, but that doesn't change anything. The last time I was this upset, I got all sorts of compliments about how great I am, etc, etc, etc.... But then last month, during my week from hell with finals and being sick and whatnot, when a bunch of us went to see Lord of the Rings, I ended up sitting by myself because no one thought to find a seat with them for me, too. It's those sorts of things that I remember and I think about when I'm feeling like this. How is it if that all of my friends like me, I end up feeling like an outcast still when a big group of us are together? I feel like an outcast a lot of the time when I open up my room to my friends at a party. It's a terrible feeling. Why is it that I don't have that many close friends anymore? I guess it's true that after years of going from close friend to close friend, getting hurt a million times along the way, I've just had enough. You can only get trampled on so many times before you surround yourself with an indestructable wall. But it's not like I'm less miserable. And it's not even like my temper has actually gone away. Instead, whenever I'm upset enough to cry, I also feel like using force to break things. So I live my temper out that way.
There are days at home when no one goes near my mom. My cousin thinks that she is partly manic-depressive, and honestly, I could see that. She gets in a mood where no matter what you say to her, she's going to scream back at you and find fault in whatever it is you said/did. And of course nothing is ever her fault. One day, she came home from something and was pissed because her printer wouldn't work. Well, getting this printer to work was always like brain surgery, in that you had to take so many specific, ridiculous steps to get it to print, so it's not that surprising that she couldn't get the printer to print. She came out and yelled at everyone who was home about how we had broken the printer, blah blah blah. We all cowered - me, my dad, my sisters and said barely a word until she went out somewhere. I then went in to the office, fixed one little thing that made the printer work, and that was that. I never bothered to tell my mom what the problem was, because I was pretty sure that she'd find something to snap about (and if you've met her and heard her yell or scream or snap, you know why this is something to be avoided). I'm afraid very often that I'm going to end up like that.
I guess that's enough ranting for me for one night. Writing and music and candles and wine have made me feel a little more calm, though not any less sad. Ohh, let me add one more thing. My silver Tiffany bracelet that I've had for about 2 months broke today. A link came loose. It's fixable, but beads went flying and it was just another example of how I can't take care of nice things. Yeah, I'm no less sad. I may work on a project or go to bed now, I'm not sure which.
- Lizzardie, at 1:48 AM
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