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I am watching the debate and ready to fall asleep, but I thought I'd update anyway.
First off, Cornell is deleting my access to everything, which means I'm going to have to find a new place to host my site. Stay tuned for details.
Otherwise, things are going swimmingly here, for the most part. I've had two very very good weekends. A week and a half ago, I went to Ithaca to cause mischief I MEAN see my friends. :-) I bought Finger Lakes wine and Yuengling, of course. I also visited the hockey line, had dinner with Bolcar and some other people, and helped initiate changing the Fall-themed Rush Party into Oktoberfest. We had Beck's and Yeungling and kielbasa. It was good to see everyone, including Will, who flew out from California, and Goo, who flew out from Colorado. Plus, I got to stay in the house! It's looking really really great. Ask me sometime about the couch that came in through the window. :-D
Then this past weekend, a whole bunch of people came to Boston! Dan, Rob, Dana and Eric came from Ithaca, Li from Connecticut, Anthony from Syracuse and Alexis from Chicago were all here. Karen and I, with a little help from Susan, arranged for some fun sight-seeing, including the Museum of Science and drinks at Redline and the entire Freedom Trail. By the end of the weekend, I was exhausted but it was so good to see friends, and it was nice to enjoy my newly adopted city. :-)
Otherwise, I've been doing a lot of thinking. I mean, a lot of thinking. The thing is, I realize that my life has moved and changed really fast in the last several months. A lot of that is a good thing, but it's made me feel a little out of control at times. Some things changed in ways that I did not want them to. And now that life has slowed down a little, I'm trying to figure out what it is that I do want and how to get it. And to be honest, I don't yet have the answer to that. But I do know that I'm thinking about things now that previously I had merely taken at face value.
And so my first conclusion is this.... had I listened more and put in more of an effort to talk to certain friends and not through them or past them, things might have turned out differently. It's funny how much listening can change things. You can debate with yourself and consider all of the options you can think of all you want. But until you hear another side, until you actually take the time to HEAR someone instead of dismissing them, how can you actually know with conviction in your heart that YOU are RIGHT and everyone else is WRONG? I look back at conversations I've had in the past few months, and I see this huge problem, where both parties were so certain that s/he was the one who was right that no thoughts of "maybe it's important for me to listen to this" never entered into the minds of those involved. I am not immuned from this, that is for sure. If I could go back I would, which is a strange thing for me to say, given that I try not to live with regret. Because if I could do it all over again, instead of letting my emotions rule my thoughts I would try just a little harder to remember that one of the true tests of friendship is being a good friend even when you're mad.
This is not something that is new this summer, though. It's like I try to hurt my friends when I'm angry and hurt. I want them to feel the way that I do, except that never, ever makes things better. It inevitably makes things worse. Many, many years hasn't changed a damn thing for me, and that's unfortunate. And I wonder why I transition out old friends and bring in new friends every couple of years. I wonder why I don't trust people, I wonder why I never feel close to people.
One of these days, maybe, just maybe, I'll gain control of my emotions and be able to live a functional life.
- Lizzardie, at 9:16 PM
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