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All right, the other entry was getting way too long. On to other stuff, which is mostly more complaining and sorrow....
After NERC, I realize that I need a break. A real break. I'm not talking about Spring Break or school work or any of that. Unfortunately, I need a break from my normal Phi Sigma Pi routine. Don't get me wrong - more than ever, I love the fraternity. It is still where I find my best friends and where the people I turn to when I'm upset are. But I've been putting every ounce of energy I have into PSP, and it's getting to me. Not because that's not what I want to do. But partially because I feel guilty when I can't do more than I'm doing. I feel like the little things I do to be nice might be getting kinda known and expected, so they aren't so much favors anymore, but more my job. As much as I love making sure my friends get to where they need to be, sometimes I could use the extra hour that takes up in my day. As amusing as it is that my cell phone is the "Beta Nu Hotline" number, sometimes I dread hearing it ring. I can't really adequately describe how I feel in words right now - I feel like I'm coming off as selfish and uncaring, and that's not it at all. But I need a break, to take care of myself. To get some rest and have some time to sort some other things out in my head. To not have someplace to be al the time, but instead to veg out in front of my TV. So I've told a few people that I'm taking this week off, maybe next. I thought it would work, only I don't think it is. I'm getting a daily dose of "Are you feeling any better?" and "Are you going to study hours, or are you still on a break?" etc.... So even though I know my wonderful friends mean well, it's hard. I just want for once to get the space I give everyone else. I try not to probe into people's lives unless they show signs of wanting to share. And I do so hoping to get the same courtesy back, I guess. But I know that not every person is like me, so that won't happen. I wish I knew what to do, though, to get the peace I'm so desperately looking for. I want to relax and spoil myself and concentrate more on my schoolwork out of a desire to learn and not be constantly pressured because of this test and that test, etc... I want to get my energy and optimism back, but I don't know where I'm going to find it. =/
- Lizzardie, at 5:30 PM
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