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Actions speak louder than words. Such a cliche, and at times, so true. But now I have to use my words to say what I'm feeling, and have been feeling, and I'm not sure how well it's going to go.
I have been censoring myself on this blog for awhile now. Part of that is because of who my readers are. Some of you read because you're my friends, and I suppose you're curious about what's going on in my life. Some of you... don't like me very much, and I'm not sure why you read - maybe because you want to keep tabs on me or on my interactions with other people, or because you're looking for something to use against me? To mock me? I don't know. It's not really the point, though, the point is that because everyone in my life, whether friends or not, seems to be so very, very connected, I have been careful about what I say in such a public forum.
I am not going to stop questioning whether or not the things I have to say are appropriate for the internet - my day job involves reading the internet, and I also happen to know that sometimes the anonymity we receive by typing up a bunch of things and hitting a button isn't exactly what we think it is. But, I do need to stop caring so much about what other people think. And it would probably do me some good to be more open.
So here goes. I have had a ROUGH six (or seven?) months. No one has died, everyone I know is healthy. I have a job, and a home, friends... I bought myself a new car and went on an incredible foreign vacation. And yet, I have been miserable.
I can pinpoint what really kicked the misery into high gear to getting laid off from my job and having a very close friendship basically disintegrate within less than 36 hours of each other. And... I'm not over either of those things. I hate my job, and I've lost a lot of faith in the people I work for making things any better. I know what I have to do, but that doesn't make it any easier (neither did my commitment to myself to stay for at least six months, though that has come and gone with no improvement).
As for the disintegrated friendship... I wish I could say that it was as easy to move on from as I wanted it to be. But it's not. And thanks to interconnected lives, I cannot say that only two people were affected by it, because it's not true. Mistakes have been made on all sides, and I don't really know where to go from here. But, I am trying a few things, and hopefully we will eventually reach a point where we at the very least have a mutual understanding. To that point, I will not be going back to poker this week, but that is the (eventual) goal, and as long as that is everyone's goal, I'm willing to work toward it, instead of forcing the issue. Because it is one thing to say, "at this time, I don't think we can ever be friends again" (which I did say) and another to do the thing that you know makes it final.
One of the problems with being so down is that my default response it to protect myself, which I do basically by hiding. So I have spent most of the last seven months by myself. I haven't really gone out or tried to see my friends, except when they try to see me. Which, I have to say, hasn't felt like it's been that often. But maybe that's me. Maybe when I stop making plans, that sends the signal to others that they should stop making plans with me, I don't really know.
But now I'm done. At the very least, I'm going to do the things I want to do - theatre, music, see my friends, play poker, generally not be afraid to leave my house for fear of who I might see, figure out what I what to do with my life - because I want to do them. I cannot please everyone, and I just need to stop trying.
I have a feeling that this is going to continue to not be easy.... which is why I might have added a shot of amaretto to my coffee yesterday morning (ohh yes, it was before noon) before meeting someone for coffee. That's not bad, right? I mean, sometimes we need something to calm our nerves!
- Lizzardie, at 12:46 PM
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