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I know I haven't updated in forever. I did move, after all, which included, along with a ton of stress, not having internet (except at work) for about 5 days. Surprisingly, I was okay with that, particularly because it included a long three-day weekend. I did paint the trim and doors in my new room, though, have sporadic bursts of wireless activity, and, well, a lot of Alias DVDs to keep me company.
So maybe I should start with the new apartment, which I love. For those of you who know my general area, I live somewhere between Porter and Davis Squares (everything is a square here). This means I'm still close to grocery stores and liquor stores and bars and shopping and fun stuff, along with the T, which gets me into Boston. I am in fact closer to the T now than where I was before, which is definitely awesome.
My new roommates are great - we all have separate lives, of course, and it has felt a little awkward at times because they know each other much better than they know me (they went to college together) but they are a lot of fun. We've all been setting up the apartment together and it feels like we're doing everything we can to make it a home for all of us.
My room is pretty cool. Our whole apartment is on the first floor of a three-floor house, except for my room, which is on the second floor. This means the stairs lead directly into my room. This is a little awkward in the middle of the night, but does give me extra privacy. The landlord wouldn't let me paint the room (apparently I'm supposed to think the off-white is beautiful) but he did let me paint the trim and doors white, from their awful brown color. The plan is to put fabric on my walls, as soon as I can afford it, since I think it's going to be expensive. There will also be picture frames and furniture to paint, once everything starts coming together. Ohh, and I'll need to buy a bed and all of that stuff that it needs (Jeff is lending me his futon right now).
The worst part about my new apartment is that my commute is longer and generally a nightmare. I have to drive through Harvard Square every morning and every evening. 'Nuff said.
Other things... they're good. I was a little worried about work for awhile, but I think it's going to get better. Kristen, Susan and I are trying to start this thing where we get together one night each week at a rotating apartment and cook dinner. So for example, this past Friday, Kristen and I went over to Susan's for dinner. Kristen brough the wine (Reisling). This week, we're having dinner at my place and Susan's bringing the wine. Since Susan doesn't know much about wine, I get to tell her what to bring. I'm thinking I'll design the meal around a Spanish Rioja.
Other things are good, too. Harvard Square is still within walking distance, so I meandered down there yesterday. I found some really cool stationary/paper stores - I'm going to have to watch myself. :-) Plus, I bought wine AND clothes yesterday, which is just about as much as I could hope for.
Still, some things are not right. As much as I love Boston, it's not what I expected it to be. At least some things. And I'm having difficulty maintaining some of my friendships, which is a great strain on me. I seem to almost "throw away" my closest friends and start anew every few years. But I don't know why, given that it's one of the most awful experiences I go through, and I don't want to do it again. So half of my days are filled with anger and resentment, wishing to never see someone again. And other days are filled with regret and sadness, wondering what I'm going to have to do to restore something that's so important to me. This wasn't what it was supposed to be like. And I'm trying to focus on what's good and positive in my life, but I'm still so sad. I have everything that I wanted for now, except none of it turned out the way I wanted it to. Be careful what you wished for, right? And something tells me that this is what I've ACTUALLY been wishing for all of this time, but I never meant it to actually happen. I kept saying it was what's best for me, but that can't be, because it hasn't made anything better. In some ways, it's worse. And maybe I'll move on and start anew, just like I always seem to do (for someone who doesn't make friends that easily, I sure am willing to get rid of them, what's wrong with me), but I think I'll always know that this wasn't what I wanted at all.
Despite the early hour, I want to get some sleep. I'm not as invisible with the sleep as I used to be.
- Lizzardie, at 10:26 PM
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