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Sunday, January 20, 2008
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Just because I haven't blogged in awhile does not mean I haven't thought about it. I've thought a lot about it, actually. I had a conversation with Dan recently where he was talking about why he blogs. And that got me thinking.... why do I blog? The real reason is that I do it because I've been doing it as long as I remember, and it feels weird not to. But that's not a great reason to do something. I've mentioned fear before, and that's still the case - I'm afraid of sharing my opinions and thoughts sometimes, because I'm afraid that will make people like me less. Which is sad.
I've felt a little (maybe a lot) scared recently. And that has led me to a lot of thinking about what is driving my life right now. I mean, on the surface, my life is great, right? I have a job that pays well, and I live in an apartment that is warm, and I can put food on my plate. No one I know is sick and/or dying. My family, though they are far away, loves me. I have a number of good friends. And if I just wanted to get up, and change it all one day... I have the means to do that.
And yet... I hate that job, and my apartment, while wonderful, feels "cold and empty". And those good friends? It doesn't feel like they're in or near Boston sometimes (no offense if you are).
And so I've been doing a lot of thinking about right and wrong, fear, forgiveness, love, faith. I want to make my life worth living, and that's not an easy thing to do, sometimes... I have high standards. :-) And this world is not black and white, so it is hard to find the line between forgiveness/love and right, because, sometimes, enough is enough, and you've done all you can. But because I'm me, and I want everyone to like me, I have trouble figuring out where to draw the line.
And I'm rambling, but I don't care, because it's my blog and I'll say what I want to, say what I want to... all right, done. I'm going to try harder here. I'm going to try harder to say what's really on my mind, and not care what other people think, or at least be okay if they have different opinions than me, and realize that we're not all the same, and just because we don't agree on something doesn't mean we're not friends anymore. And I'm going to try and remember that.... I'm the only one that remembers every word I say. :-)
So starting with... a mini movie review, first. I saw Juno this weekend, at the lovely Somerville Theatre... which is old, and it shows, but has its own character, and I love that. I liked the movie a lot more than I thought I would. To be honest, I just wanted to see it for the cast, which was awesome, but it ended up being really... real. And it was real right away, with a lot of awkwardness that I think makes you remember that the girl is 16 and doesn't really know what she's doing. I did think, though, that it moved a little slow, but that doesn't bother me - it reminded me of Garden State or Elizabethtown in that way. It's a movie that I will probably end up picking up the DVD for, and popping in on a cold, rainy weekend (or when I'm hungover), because while it's a pretty serious subject, it's light-hearted and just one of those movies for me.
Also this weekend.... I played poker! Ohh my, do I love that game, and I don't know why. But I do. I hadn't played in so many months, and it was different (in a good way), because I didn't know most of the people I was playing with. Also, I lost $40, which didn't bother me, because, hey, that's how the game goes. I enjoyed it, and I want to play more. And that really leads me to the forgiveness/right/enough is enough issue. Silly, isn't it? Every time I think about it, I cannot believe that so many problems in my life have revolved around a stupid (FREE!) weekly poker tournament that I really want to attend, and that there's this extremely unbalanced proportion between the people who want to see me there (high) and the people who don't (low), one of whom isn't even there most of the time. And the more I think about it (and the more I talk to those who want me there, which I did again tonight), the more I come to believe that I am right, and I have still bent over backwards to make people who are not my friends happy and comfortable with my presence, and that will never happen, and enough is ENOUGH. So I'm going back. Because it's important to me. Because I miss my friends. Because I am done second guessing whether or not I've done everything I can - I have. Because my presence will not "ruin" or "end" the game. Because this will never be over unless I make it over.
Thanks for still reading, if you do. When I check my web stats, I'm shocked to see who still sticks it out, to see if I've posted anything new (and it's all usually so mundane!). I of course won't make any promises, but I'm going to try and post more frequently, and maybe about more interesting things. Interesting websites, my thoughts on random things (there's this election going on, and I'm leaning towards voting in my first primary!), and more interesting reviews of the things I've done, because "I did this, then I did that" doesn't really tell anyone much of anything useful. :-P And... no one is going to agree with me all the time. And that's okay. After all, I am filled with love and forgiveness for all right now, and I hope that all of you are, too (and yes, that was cheesy). :-)
- Lizzardie, at 11:53 PM
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