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Well, I made it back to the Boston area relatively unscathed, but still have yet to move pictures from my camera to my computer. So patience on the visual front.
My vacation made me glad that I only see my family a few times a year, sad as that may be. I tried, I really did, to be a good person and to act my age (because 24-year-olds no longer need to tattle on their sisters or have petty shouting matches). But there's only so much I can take. When I got off of the plane, I was so happy, despite the cold and the rain that welcomed me. I then proceeded to take the T back to my apartment, both for the experience and the 38 dollars in savings over a cab. It was a little difficult (two giant suitcases and a still sore ankle had to be overcome) but I made it home.
I already did quite a lengthy post on why I hate winter, so I won't go into it again. The week between Christmas and New Years is always the hardest, though. There's the after-Christmas depression, this year compounded by the fact that I've totally gone off of my "be healthy" regime due to not wanting to put too much stress on my ankle and the varied array of not good for you but ohh so tasty treats that surround me. This week is also generally used to look back on the past year and be depressed because of the mistakes you made, the failed attempts, the missed opportunities. And then right on top, there's stress about what, if any, New Years resolutions should be made, that you will inevitably break sometime before the year is barely started. Of course, things will start to look up next week, however marginally, because then there will be at least some determination to make it a week without breaking a resolution. Maybe I'll post those in the next two days.
I did at least force myself to go to poker last night. Up until Jamie asked if I was going, I wasn't sure that I would. I figured that it being the week between Christmas and New Years, there would be very few people there, and I already knew Herb wouldn't be there, so I was somewhat worried about there not being any familiar faces, or at least any that I would want to talk to. But the turnout was good, with some new people even, and I had a good time. A lot of the time for me, my biggest problem is that first step, whether literally or figuratively. I know that, and yet sometimes, it still gets in the way.
I have a lot on my mind right now, and as much as I hate to admit it, I'm scared. There are some things that I feel need to change, but the idea of changing them is terrifying. There have been many things in my life like that, but all of the big ones, deep down I've always known what to do, and that's what I end up doing. For these things, my resolve changes on a daily or hourly basis. Last week, I was sure that it was finally time to stand up and close a long, stressful, amazing chapter in my life. Now I'm pretty sure that I won't be doing that, or at least, not right now. Only a few hours ago I was thinking about whether I should try and change another situation, and now I feel that I will continue to wait and see, as I have been doing for awhile now.
My apologies for the purposely vague sentences. Perhaps my inability to trust my blog readers stems from my inability to trust people in general. I don't know. For now, though, it doesn't matter.
I will try and post pictures in the next couple of days. But if you don't hear from me, Happy New Year. I hope all of you can find peace and happiness in 2006.
- Lizzardie, at 2:34 PM
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