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So, three days later and things are not going so well here. For one, I haven't talked to either of my roommates since I lost my temper (unless you count "hello lizjones" and "goodnight lizjones" as Jeff talking to me). And for another, I don't know what to do about the situation. I know that I owe them an apology for acting crazy, particularly because I did it in front of their friends, but beyond that, I'm not sure what I need to do. Clearly, it wasn't just the stupid Scattegories incident that made me upset. I've talked to the normal group of people about what happened, and there seems to be no clear consensus about what happened and what's making me upset. And the only reason I haven't apologized yet is that I know that right after the apology there needs to be a discussion about making things better, and I haven't quite figured out how that needs to go. Also, it doesn't help that neither of the roommates will come into the same room as me.
I probably hit my low-point of this past semester (still thinking in terms of semesters, even though I'm no longer in school and won't be, for the forseeable future) sometime in mid-April. I'm sure if anyone was to go back to those posts, I sound miserable. I was so freaked out about school stuff, project stuff, money stuff, job stuff, housing stuff, etc... Everyone kept telling me that it would work out okay, and I wanted to kill them because I didn't believe it. How could it possibly all work out? There was a conversation with Herb amongst all of that, where he talked to me about time... "the curse and the promise of time for human experience is that all things end." I didn't believe him. I didn't see myself getting through my project, graduating, moving to Boston and getting a job. I told him that it wasn't like I was going to wake up one morning and have a job. He told me I was wrong.
Turns out, he was exactly right. Less than 3 months have passed since that conversation.... I made it through my project, with the company giving us rave reviews... I made it through all of my other classes, too, and earned one of the highest GPA's of my college career, resulting in, of course, the completion of my Masters degree... I moved to Boston, just like I had been wanting to do since the end of last summer... and one day, I woke up, and in my inbox I had a job offer. Everything I wanted 3 months ago, everything that I thought was out of reach, I now have.
So what am I doing now? Purposely making myself miserable. It doesn't make any sense. I'm happy with where I am in my life, it's what I wanted to happen 5 years ago when I decided to go to Cornell. Even the MEng thing payed off in the end... it gave me some time to figure out where I wanted to live and it gave me this huge project that provided experience to put on my resume (and help me out in my education) and something to talk about in interviews (I'm sure it was instrumental in me getting this job). Instead of me moving on at the end of undergrad, not sure if I was ready, I got to move on a year later, when I KNEW I was ready. I got to pick the city I live in, took the risk of moving here without a job and miraculously found one a month later. I'm proud of what I've done. It's one of those unusual times in my life when I actually feel lucky. There is no reason for me to do this to myself. For once, I have nothing to worry about, and creating something to worry about is pointless. I should relish this moment, because there probably won't be many more times like this in my life.
Wow, NOW I feel better. I think I know what I want to do and need to say now.
- Lizzardie, at 4:06 PM
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