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Today was a bad day. I'm not really sure why. I didn't go to class, so I got plenty of sleep. But I just felt so tired and cranky and dizzy. Blah. I yelled at my group members, they love that. Then I came back to my apartment and took a nap. Meeting with the advisors went okay and then study hours. And then home, where I talked to my mom who has no idea where I've lived or worked or anything. Mom: "So you need to file returns in New York and Maryland?" Liz: "No, Maine." (a little while later...) Mom: "Okay, so you actually have two W-2's from Maryland." Liz: "Maine." I think I told her that I worked in Maine and not Maryland half a dozen times. Not to mention that I told her I was working in Maine when I worked in Maine, and that it would make more sense for me to have worked in Maine since Maine is next to New Hampshire, where I lived, and Maryland is far away from New Hampshire, which would have made a brutal commute. I should just do my taxes myself. I would have gotten my money back sooner, which would have helped me. And it wouldn't create this silly argument with her over how much money I owe and how to do my taxes. Blah. I'm also getting $100 less back than I thought because I wrote down the wrong number and made more money than I thought. Which sucks.
It's getting harder and harder to find something optimistic about my day when I wake up. And it's only worse when I go to bed. Each day gone is just one more day closer to dooms day for me. Today is April 7th (okay, now it's the 8th). I have this countdown to graduation on my AIM profile, which is not to say I can't wait until graduation, but more of a reminder of how little time I have. Now that it's April 8th, there are 52 days until graduation. Which means 53 days until my lease expires and I'll be homeless. Finding a place in Boston will not be difficult, I've been looking, and what's great is that the places that are available are in neighborhoods I trust - which makes sense because of all the colleges in the Cambridge/Somerville area - Harvard, MIT, Tufts and then BU, Northeastern and such in the city of Boston. I just wish I wasn't going on blind faith. I mean, it buys me three more months until I would have to go home, having failed again. But if I've failed then, then I've really failed and will really have no money (much more no money than I have now).
I guess what has been bringing me down the most today is that I feel like a complete failure and I don't know how to make things different. I feel like I have nothing but a couple pieces of paper to show for the last 5 years, and they aren't doing me much good. And I feel like my project is a failure. And my relationships with friends and my romantic relationships (or lack thereof, is more like it).... I've failed there, too. And I'm tired. SOOOO tired. I just want something to go right.
And Cat will probably see that I am back to my "the world is going to end" posts. So I should stop.
- Lizzardie, at 2:15 AM
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