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Reminder to self: you are always disappointed by reality tv shows. Don't watch them.
I taped the Apprentice today so that I could go and play poker. Poker was good. I went there with $15, $5 of which I owed for last week (because there was no change), so really $10. I lost all of that, borrowed the $5 back from Ian, won $4, had a dollar in my pocket that I found (so I guess I started with $11), and ended up with $9 because I came in second in the tournament. So all and all a good poker tournament. And now the Apprentice is disappointing.
I'm going to Rochester/Buffalo this weekend. Really Buffalo, but I'm stopping in Rochester to have dinner with Helen and Bolcar, which will be fun, and then I'll be in Buffalo for the Easter holiday with my cousins. Should be fun, I hope, though I'm worried that this is not a good time to get away. It's funny, because with my group, for the first time I feel like I'm dragging people down because I'm going to celebrate a Christian holiday. I guess it's just my white, suburban upbringing. I'm leaving late because they can't meet any earlier and all this nonsense. Grr because I move things around for the project and none of them do.
I have a lot of things on my mind lately, trying to sort out what I need to do in the next 7 weeks. I really really wish I had someone to talk to. But the thing is, I've got the friends who keep telling me not to worry because I'm smart, blah blah blah and I'll find something, blah blah blah. And I know they all mean well and I do love them, but I know that just because they say that doesn't mean it's true. And I am worried because it's not going to get done if I pretend like there's nothing to be concerned about - this is my life that's on the line. There are also the totally non-supportive friends who I expect more from. And my family who has no idea what's going on in my life. I just need someone to bounce things off of and to talk with about what I'm going to do if things don't work out. But no one seems willing to talk to me about that. I'm really scared. And I don't know what to do or what's the right decision or anything. And I really, really don't want anyone to tell me what to do - I know these are my decisions. But I wish that I felt like someone cared - cared enough to tell me something other than the standard answer that you give friends or cared enough not to blow me off. I know I complain a lot, but that's so that I can get through the day and not explode with the bad stuff. I'd do the same for any of my friends.
Not to mention that being sick for three weeks has drained me of all of my energy. Combine feeling weak with my general inability to get a decent night's rest... I wish things weren't so hard right now. Bottom-heavy classes, putting so much of the project off until now, I need a job, I need a place to live... I'm a mess.
And the world is going to end now, right, according to what I'm saying? I should just get some sleep.
- Lizzardie, at 3:04 AM
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