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I have a little bit of time, so I thought I'd write.
I'll preface this by saying that while this past week has pretty much SUCKED, the weather is really nice (despite the occasional thunderstorms, which don't last long) because it's the perfect temperature and the air just FEELS happy, so you can't help but feel good. It makes me like Ithaca again.
Let's see.... a week ago was the weekend I went to Rochester and Buffalo. Dinner in Rochester was fun. I met up with Bolcar and after an attempt at going to Dinosaur BBQ (too long of a wait) we ended up at Bugaloo Grill or something like that. We had steaks and I had banana foster for dessert, yum. Helen finally showed up like 2 hours into our dinner and had some food with us. It was good to see them. Then I headed to Buffalo to see my cousins. My cousin did a great job with dinner and it was good to see everyone (my aunt was back into town Sunday night and I ended up going over there and spending time with her before driving back Monday morning), but I've been trying to not think about the ridiculous stuff going on with my family, and I was kinda forced to do so that weekend.
When I got back Monday morning, Cat had hid Easter eggs around the apartment for me, which was cute. I then had one of the worst meetings of my life, or at least I left feeling like it was one of the worst meetings of my life. We had a teleconference with ADI about the project. Now, two days before, my team lied to me and told me that I hadn't told them that we should have a teleconference a month ago. Well, when the teleconference was over, I realized just how much better off we would have been if we'd had that teleconference a month ago. We've wasted a lot of time doing stuff that we could have known was pointless. And then, my team members told me that they'd decided to cancel the meeting we'd scheduled for later that night and we weren't going to meet until Saturday, which was too far away, given the time we were working with. I convinced them that we should meet for a little while, but by the time I left, I was pretty distraught.
And that's when things started to fall apart. Last Monday, around 3:00pm, I don't know if I've ever felt more overwhelmed. My project seemed like it would be impossible to finish and I've spent a lot of time pushing my team for nothing - it didn't save us from having way too much work to do before the end of the semester because these people couldn't be pushed. And now I don't have as much time to spend on the project because of projects for other classes (meeting up with 3 different groups multiple times a week sucks). AND, I have no job prospects (or at least none in Boston - I have a few interviews this week, not in Boston). AND, I have no money and no place to live after May 31st. I just had this overwhelming feeling of failure at everything I'd try to do this year, and no hopes of fixing it in time. I ran into Jenny as I held back tears on my walk home - she asked how I was and I burst into tears.
The week then oscillating from me feeling defeated but not caring to me freaking out and acting hysterical. None of my friends were any help - I swear, if one more person tells me that everything is going to be okay, I might kill them. I know that I used to be a big proponent of that saying (or maybe it was more, everything will work out for the best that I used to say? I don't remember), but for the first time in a very long time, I don't know if I can make things work out the way I want them to. Sure, I can move to Boston for the summer and look for a job - but what if the end of August rolls around and I still don't have a job? I can't live out there forever without a job. My family seems to be under the impression that even though I want to live in Boston, I'll settle for something less than what I want, namely, to be somewhere near them. And when I talked to my mom the other day, I explained to her that I don't want to do that because that's how people get stuck.... they settle for something temporarily until they can find something better and then they never do because they stop looking because they have other priorities/commitments. I don't want that to be me.
I've snapped out of the despair somewhat. If I'm going to have any hope of making my life what I want it to be, I've got to at least try and get through the rest of the semester and graduate. I'm not sure anymore if the MEng degree was the best decision I ever made, but who knows, maybe one day I'll look back on it with a more favorable light. Right now I just want to be done, and I've been working hard since Thursday to make that happen.
The weekend was at least productive and fun. Bolcar and Demetri were both in town this weekend. Friday night we ended up at The Nines for dinner, and then went to Moonshadows, which is this bar on the Commons for Bolcar's friend Jessica's brother's 21st birthday. I decided I was going to drink a lot, but I only got through 2 drinks there. From there we went to Castaways, down by the lake. There were a few bands there and they were great. One was a mellow rock-esque band (I'm not good with genres) called Missing in Action. The other was a jazzy saxophone based band called the Sam Kininger Group. I enjoyed it. Later there was wings and hanging out at my apt - Bolcar, Demetri and Liz Hartman all ended up crashing at my place.
Saturday I had a meeting for the project, which went okay, then I made this wheat pasta with toasted hazelnuts, arugula, shallots and goat cheese for the International Potluck for the frat (I called it "Mediterranean" even though I am not Mediterranean). The potluck was fun, lots of good food, and then I came back to my apartment for a nap and some work. I went back for more frat stuff to the Hawaiian party where I drank some more and socialized, before calling it a relatively early night. Sunday was more work/meetings and then poker! It was nice to have a random poker night.
And now it's Monday again. And I'm painstakingly trying to get through everything I need to. I don't think I'm doing the best job I can, but I'm tired and there's a lot. I'm looking forward to tonight after my group meetings are over with. I'll need to do some grading, but after that I'll just need to do one problem set and work on the project for the week, which isn't too bad. And two interviews this week. And hopefully some job hunting for Boston jobs soon. I should go back to taking things one hour at a time, and maybe I won't freak out again for awhile. :-)
- Lizzardie, at 4:58 PM
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