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Thursday, March 25, 2004
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Lalala, waiting for some analysis to run. I really hate being in my office - it's way too quiet here this week with no one around. At least I have my laptop and MP3's, woohoo (speaking of: I have 2 iTunes credits if anyone knows what songs I should get, suggestions are welcome). I have some organizing that I could do, but I'd much rather do it at home. Cat couldn't figure out why I've been coming in here everyday from 3pm until 8pm, until I explained that the members of the group who are around split up the day, and the other options were 10am to 3pm and 8pm to 1am. Yeah.
I've been really frustrated this week. Between the neverending project of hell and not getting any interviews, much less job offers, I have no idea what the hell I'm working toward anymore. My goal was to have a job and start sometime in June. I could get an apartment starting at the end of May/beginning of June, move my stuff in and maybe go home for a little bit before I start working. But I have no place to go as of now.... so maybe I just have to go home? I really don't want to do that, and I have no idea what I'd do with my stuff in that case. Before I bought my full-sized bed and my big leather desk chair, my stuff fit into my car in 3 trips. Now I have the big bed and chair and I don't think they'll fit into my little car AT ALL! I could rent a moving truck, I guess, but it seems pointless if I'm going to end up out east (my ultimate goal), and what would I do with my car? Argh. I guess there's storage.
I think defeated sums up my entire attitude. I feel like if I go home after 5 years out here and I have no job, then I've failed. And I don't know what to do differently. And NO ONE is supportive anymore it seems. I'm getting the usual, you'll find something, you deserve to find something, blah blah blah. Or the, you whine too much, response. All I really want, though, is for someone to give me a hug and tell me that they love me anyway, regardless of what happens. But I'm beginning to think that something like that should also go on the evergrowing list of things I'll never have.
I just don't know what I can do differently. I'm doing the job thing the proper way, I've retooled my resume and cover letter, I spend hours scouring websites for jobs. I must have submitted my resume to over one hundred positions by now, and I have nothing to show for it. And I gotta say, as far as I'm concerned, if I'm not finding anything, then I don't deserve the jobs I'm applying for, and furthermore, I'm not looking hard enough.
I've been told my attitude towards life is self-defeating, but I honestly don't know how to look at things any other way. Nor do I even understand what's so self-defeating about my attitude. Let's just start throwing more things on the pile of misery I've got going.
My analysis is not done running yet, but I'm going to cry if I write anymore right now.
- Lizzardie, at 5:34 PM
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