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I am a very self-doubting person. No matter how confident I am on the outside, there is always some little bit of me that wonders what the hell I'm doing and why I would possibly think whatever-is-going-on-at-the-moment could be a good decision. I also have a great fear of people not liking me, and continuously wonder what the hell my friends see in me and why in the world they would actually want to spend time with me. So when I am given an actual reason to think someone doesn't like me, I panic and dwell on it.
One of my friends has decided to jokingly (I think) stereotype against me because I tend to be politically conservative. Jokes about how I club seals, hate poor people and minorities, and keep a rifle under my bed. Since I'm pretty sure he's joking, half the time I make a sarcastic jab back, and half the time I defend myself because of course a little part of me is afraid he's serious. So yesterday, I went to the airport to pick up my cousin, and on the way back, he made what I think were blatantly racist comments. I was appalled. I live (Ithaca) in a pretty tolerant place, so it was quite a shock to my system to hear these sorts of things again. Now, I've always thought that my family was at least a slightly bit stereotypical bordering on racist. But this was just insane. And of course it has nothing to do with politics or education, since I have no idea what my cousin believes politically, and he's in college. So in addition to the horror I felt at hearing this, I immediately jumped to these comments as of late accusing me of feeling these same things. I'm so afraid now, that people might actually believe these things about me. I really hope that's not the case, but given that it's me, until I hear otherwise (and maybe after that) a little part of me will wonder.
- Lizzardie, at 1:49 AM
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