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I think I have Listener's Syndrome. This is not something that actually exists, of course (at least to my knowledge). It's hard to explain... to the other members of Beta Nu, I'm known as The Godfather. This is because I know anything and everything about the Chapter, and this has extended to people thinking I know anything and everything about random shit, which also tends to be true (at least on some level - I really don't know that much). Now, as far as the Chapter goes, this is because I've done some research and reading, gone through records, etc... But for other things.... well, it seems like when there's news of some sort, if you tell me, chances are I already know. Because someone else has already told me. I know things I shouldn't know, all the time, and am constantly faced with the task of keeping secret, all because no one else seems to know how to keep a secret (something I give people a hard time about constantly - it's my way of coping, I guess, for being this lockbox of information). This is bad for three reasons... one, because surprises are often lost on me. Back in May Demetri basically gave away that I had gotten the Chapter Service Key by telling me how great this card the eboard had gotten me was - something Will was apparently about to do, anyways, because this card was so good. Now, they didn't come right out and tell me what the card was for, but having been on eboard, I'm not entirely dense. (The card was hilarious, btw). My vast "resouce of knowledge" is also bad because I'm a horrible liar. Sure, I can manage to not bring something up, though I'll never pretend that it isn't difficult sometimes, especially when I have differing opinions on what's going on and can put pieces of a puzzle together that the person telling me may not be able to.... but if I'm asked a direction question about something I'm not supposed to say anything about, I freeze up inside. I'm convinced that whatever fallacy I tell to get myself out of the difficult situation is totally unbelievable and that I have a look of fear on my face, constantly afraid that I'll get caught. This may be a figment of my imagination, but ask my friends who've played poker with me and they'll all tell you that bluffing is not my strong suit. And finally, I end up hating all this when I get put in the middle. When I've got two people telling me things about each other and I can't even admit that I know everything I'm being told already - because I'd be betraying the other's trust. Or even if they at least know that I'm talking to the other person, then the trust is gone, because there's the fear that I'll spill. Even though all I want is for everything to work out and to put the two people in a conversation with each other such that they can work out whatever it is (good or bad). And you know what.... it always makes me feel like my own life isn't interesting enough. That it's only this... patchwork quilt made up of whatever trust I have with each and every one of my friends and family. Trust is a good thing - I'm so glad that so many people trust me. But I guess I just want some people to know that it is far from easy for me. No one has to change anything. Just know that it's hard.
- Lizzardie, at 2:49 AM
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