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So, I experienced a minor financial crisis the other day. Only it wasn't a crisis, as it were, I just made it into one. I make all of my credit card payments (and my car payment) online, and to make sure I made a specific payment on time, I accidently payed it twice. This caused a problem, because I knew that I didn't have enough money in my account for it, although I had a deposit en route to the bank. Basically, had the payment cleared before my deposit, I would have overdrawn my account (yet again - it's happened so much in the past year) and it would have cost me a lot of money (or at least a lot of money for someone who doesn't have money). I tried to get the payment reversed, but it was pulled from the system almost immediately. I was on the phone with my credit card company for half an hour, and I was in tears by the end of it.
As it turned out, everything was okay. My deposit got to the bank yesterday, it cleared my account and then the payment cleared, in the order I needed it to. And all is well. But I've been thinking that maybe I'm way too hard on myself sometimes. I mean, it was a $10 payment. And I was in tears over it. And had things not worked out, it would have cost me $30, but considering my parents sent me $70 more than I asked them for.... well.... I'm trying so hard to set my finances in order. And it's so hard, because I'm in such a worse position financially right now than I ever have been and I have a college degree and I'm starting grad school.... and I wonder why it has to be so hard. I used to be so motivated and so sure that through hard work I would get wherever I wanted to go, and yet lately I feel like I'm climbing up a glass wall.... and the thought of giving up enters my head almost every day. It's like I've managed to convince myself that I'm going to fail so I might as well do so. And it's funny, because that's not like me. I used to relish roadblocks. I used to wish for more, just so I could prove how strong I am (or was). That was always my opportunity to shine. And now I don't seem to be pursuing that. So if it is the case that the problem is that I've beaten myself up to the point of losing all faith in my abilities, then I need to stop. Because I need to feel like I'm going to succeed. Or else all of my hardwork would be wasted, wouldn't it?
- Lizzardie, at 12:22 AM
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